Title:  I Don't Have To Wonder
Author:  Timothy Hood AKA TrypWyr
Email:  timothy@polarnet.com
Size:  12K
Rating:  PG
Codes:  P, K/T
Summary:  Tom Paris' thoughts on B'Elanna's marriage.

Disclaimer:  Y'all already know:  not mine, theirs, wish they were but they ain't, yadda yadda yadda...

Feedback:  Greatly appreciated!!

Note:  This story takes place a few months after "The Disease." The / indicate thoughts.



    "The time is oh-six-hundred hours."

    Tom reached over and hit the button on his nightstand. It was
finally here. The day. He sighed to himself. /'Dammit Tom, at least say 
it for once! It's... fuck, it's B'Elanna's wedding day.'/ As he 
crawled out of bed and towards his closet, he realized he didn't feel 
any better for saying it, if only to himself. It had been three years 
since B'Elanna had left him, but it still felt like yesterday.

* * *

    As Tom walked through the door of B'Elanna's quarters and collapsed 
onto the bed, he faintly heard the hum of the sonic shower. It didn't 
register for a few minutes though. The Doctor had been working him twice 
as hard lately, ever since that little incident with Harry and "The 
Amazing, Glowing Sex Fiend From Another Ship." He said they had to be 
prepared for anything and not just from hostile forces. All this was 
after his duties at the helm, of course.

    He hadn't even had time to confirm the plans he and B'Elanna had 
made for this evening, not that he was much in the mood for anything but 
sitting around, slightly conscious. Well, maybe a little more than that. 
He had been saving his replicator rations for two months and had finally 
had enough. The ring he had replicated was stunning, but nothing that 
could compare with B'Elanna's beauty. Mmmm... those ridges...

    By the time his thoughts formed enough for him to look over to the 
bathroom door, the sonic shower had turned off and he waited for his 
mate to enter. He closed his eyes, ready to inhale the intoxicating 
scent of her clean body. He started to smile. He heard the door open and 
someone walk in, but before warm arms could engulf him he heard 
something completely unexpected.

    "B'Elanna, where did-- Tom!" Paris' eyes flew open at the familiar 
yet inappropriate voice. He flew up off the bed to look into the face of 
his best friend. Harry Kim looked back at him, with a stunned expression 
on his face. "Tom, I... uh..., wh- what are you doing here?" Harry 
stuttered. Tom just stared at him for a second until the realization of 
the moment caught up with him.

    "Me? Harry, what the hell are you doing here?!"

    "I- I was just using the shower..."

    "What's wrong with the one in your quarters?" Tom knew just by 
looking at Harry that there was nothing wrong with his shower. They 
stood there looking at each other, friends, brothers, family. Before 
either could speak again, the door to B'Elanna's quarters opened and 
the owner stepped through.

    "Hey, Starfleet, you still--" B'Elanna stopped dead in her tracks 
and looked at the two men watching her. "Tom, uh, you weren't supposed 
to get of duty till eighteen-hundred..."

    "Yeah," Tom said with a hollow voice. "I can tell you weren't 
expecting me." B'Elanna opened her mouth to say something, but then 
closed it again. Tom's shoulders began to shake slightly with anger. 
"How Bella? How could you do this? I thought we-" His voice began to 
crack and a tear fell from his eye.

    "Tom," Harry said. He reached out to his "big brother," but the 
instant he laid his hand on the helmsman's arm, Tom exploded with rage.

    "Don't touch me, Harry!" His arm flew up, knocking away the younger 
man's hand. Harry stumbled back, falling onto the bed. Tom turned back 
to B'Elanna. He could no longer contain the emotion welling in his eyes 
and in his heart. He reached a hand out to her.

    "Why? Was I not good enough? Didn't I try to give you everything you 
could want?" He looked at her with pleading eyes, trying to redeem the 
love he felt for her. He didn't find it in her eyes, the one place he 
should have.

    If someone had recorded that event, you would actually be able to 
see the exact moment the heart of Thomas Eugene Paris was shattered like 
so much glass.

* * *

    As Tom put on his dress uniform, he remembered that day clearly. It 
turned out that Harry went to B'Elanna to talk. He was still feeling 
depressed about losing Tal. He had gone to her because, next to Tom, she 
was his best friend. As Tom remembered the look in her eyes that day, 
his emotions welled up again, and he felt himself falling down another 
spiral of pain.

    /'No! I won't do this again! That was a long time ago, I don't feel 
the same way I did back then.'/  But he knew the instant he had that 
thought that it wasn't exactly true. If he didn't feel the same as he 
did then, it could only be because he loved her even more now. No other 
woman, or man for that matter, had ever been able to touch his heart and 
soul like she did, before or after that day.

    She had told Tom that she wasn't sure how she felt, about him or 
Harry. She told him she wanted to start seeing other people. He insisted 
that they could work it out, and that he didn't want to lose her. But 
Tom Paris was not naive. He knew that in relationships, the final 
decision always went to the person who wanted out.

    He pulled on his boots and stood up just as Captain Janeway 
announced the Kim-Torres wedding over the comm. Ten minutes. Ten minutes 
until the end. Until Tom would finally lose her for good. His hands 
started to tremble as he walked towards the door.

* * *

    Instead of having the ceremony in the mess hall, or officers' 
lounge, they instead opted to have it on the holodeck. A nice 
re-creation of late twenty-first century Georgia. A little church out in 
the middle of nowhere, with a white chauffeured limousine parked out 
front. The words "Just Married" was painted on the rear window.

    Tom parked the old pickup he was driving right across the street 
from the little church. He opened the door slightly, then closed it 
again. He couldn't do it. How could he go in there and watch his best 
friend and the woman he loved more than anything get married? He 
couldn't. It just hurt too much.

    He sat there in the truck watching the chauffeur smoking a 
cigarette, wishing he had one of his own. He closed his eyes and 
wondered what was going on inside. He could picture it in his mind, warm 
Savannah sun streaming down through the skylights and stained-glass 
windows, glinting off her soft hair and forehead ridges. He could 
imagine the beautiful jumja flowers in her hair, and the breathtaking 
smile on her face. As the picture in his mind fleshed out and he could 
almost picture himself standing next to her, the church bells rang out, 
bringing him back to reality.

    The doors burst open, letting loose a throng of people throwing 
rice, and the bride and groom strode out arm in arm. They waved to the 
rest of the crowd and B'Elanna turned around and threw the bouquet. 
Seven caught the flowers and smiled a little as she put her arm around 
Vorick. She whispered something in his ear, and the Vulcan stiffened a 
little before looking at her. They walked off into the peach trees hand 
in hand.

    Harry and B'Elanna smiled and waved, then retreated to the shelter 
of the limousine. As they drove off towards the little town that was to 
be the location of the honeymoon, Tom drove off in the opposite 
direction. He drove on for about an hour, sometimes not even able to see 
because of the tears falling from his eyes. He finally came to a stop on 
a little country bridge in the middle of nowhere. A trembling hand 
reached down and opened the door, as Tom whispered a command to the 
computer.

    He stepped out of the truck and walked over to the railing. As he 
looked down and the small river winding its way through the countryside, 
his hand descended into his pocket and came back with a small band of 
gold and a diamond. Tom held it in his fingers and the tears fell anew. 
He looked at the small stone sparkling in the sunlight and felt none of 
that light reflected in his heart. He felt cold even in the eighty plus 
degrees of the re-creation.

    He closed his eyes against the pain, then drew his arm back and let 
the small ring fly through the air towards the river. Just before it 
landed in the water, Tom again whispered a command to the computer: 
"Computer, execute program." He watched with a heavy heart as the ring 
de-materialized. It re-materialized somewhere off Voyager's port bow.

    Tom sunk to his knees and cried. He had always wondered if he and 
B'Elanna would get back together, or if she an Harry would last. As he 
fell over onto the dirt road, all his emotion came to the surface once 
again as he had one single, coherent thought: he didn't have to wonder 
anymore.

END