Title: Per Vim Stuprare
Author: Jessica
E-mail Address: Jessa5@aol.com
Size: 13KB
Rating: R (a very STRONG R)
Category: A, Q, R; K/T
Teaser: Harry's fed up with being sweet and innocent, so he does something
*bad.*  WARNING: This is the complete UNCENSORED version.  Look out for
bad language.

NOTICE: This story is rated R.  A VERY strong R.  There is indeed violence in
this.  There is sex.  It is not graphic sex, or this would be rated NC-17. 
This is rated R.  It is not your typical idea of Harry Kim, so be warned. 
Please excuse the few typos that I'm sure my spell-checker missed.

Per Vim Stuprare
by Jessica F.


To: Captain Kathryn Janeway
From: Ensign Harry Kim


It was my fault.  I know that my life is the result of the choices I made when
I was young.  When such important decisions are forced upon young children,
they don't know how to respond.  So they choose whatever seems easiest.

I was a shy child.  When I began schooling, I had my decision.  Whether to be
outgoing and approach people all the time, speak out, be heard, or to be
quiet, and studious, friendly, but waiting for others to make the first move. 
Being shy, I chose to be quiet.  And I know I made the wrong decision.

I was a silent child.  I was a good student, I always answered questions in
class, but I never had any questions of my own.  I never went looking for
people to talk to, I let them find me.  I let myself be alone.  And I was
happy that way, for many years.  But then it all started changing, when I
began to get older, to be interested in more than reading books and doing
homework.  Sure, I had friends, but they weren't the kind of friends who stick
by you forever, they weren't the kind of friends you shared all your secrets
with.  People liked me: I never bothered them.  I didn't make any enemies, I
was too shy to talk back to anyone.  It was my decision to be that way. 
However, when I entered my teenage years and found myself alone more often
than not, I began to realize the effects of that decision made as a youngling. 
I began to think about how I'd be going out into the world by myself in a few
years, and I would be trained perfectly in all academic subjects, but I'd have
no training in the people skills that make life worth living.  Sure, I liked
girls.  I mean, I was a teenage boy, how could I not?  I'd always fall for the
ones I couldn't have, though.  I'd never approach them, ask them out, for I
feared rejection more than anything.  I didn't want to know what it felt like
to be turned down, and I knew there was no chance that they'd say yes to me. 
At night I'd lay in my bed and cry; cry because my lips strained to be kissed,
my body ached to be touched.  I knew then that such things shouldn't matter to
me in the future, but it didn't matter.  The present was the present, and I
deeply regretted the choice I made.

Years passed, and I was still alone.  I got perfect grades, I had plenty of
friends, but I was still withdrawn from anything more than friendship.  I
needed to be held, to hold others.  But it didn't happen.  When I decided to
be quiet and not confront others, that decision worked in reverse and stopped
others from confronting me.  I never knew if any of the girls I admired so
much cared the slightest about me; I had made the decision that they would
stay away.  And I hated myself for it.  How could I like myself if I knew
nobody else did?  And it was all my fault?

People came and went, years passing by, yet I became more and more drawn into
myself.  The year I went off to the Academy, I told myself that my life would
change.  That I was on my own, that I would be more outgoing.  But when I got
there, I found I didn't have the courage to carry out my promise.  I was still
afraid.  Then, when I met Libby, I decided to forget about my life in the
past.  I hadn't developed any particular liking for her, so I figured if I
asked her out and was rejected, I wouldn't mind too much.  Two weeks after we
met, I asked her to have lunch with me.  And she accepted.  I was euphoric;
I'd never thought that she would say yes.  So I kept going with her.  I lost
myself to her, giving up everything.  She made me feel like I had power, like
I was no longer the quiet boy who sat in the back of the class.  So I took
chances with her.  I told myself I loved her, I told myself I needed her.  I
honestly didn't care about her, but I didn't realize it at the time.  I let
her convince me to stay with her.  To sleep with her.  To move in with her. 
My parents were excited, they were so happy.  They loved Libby, definitely
much more than I did.  But our relationship began to deteriorate when I was
assigned to Voyager and I began to obsess about my new job even before it
began.  She didn't understand how important it was to me, how it was the
culmination of my life's work.  When I went away on the ship, far off into the
galaxy, I tried once again to change myself.  To CHANGE myself.  Sure, I told
her I'd wait for her, that I'd love her forever and ever, but those were quiet
whispered words spoken in a haze of lust at two in the morning, and she
returned them with the same hazy unconsciousness, thinking not of what we said
but of what we were feeling, of the sensation of our lovemaking.  I never
really promised her anything.  And any promises I made before Voyager were not
worth keeping.

I came aboard Voyager, trying to be as friendly and outgoing as I could.  I
gained my reputation, being the always-smiling naive young ensign, never
angry, never hurt, always working hard.  Always friends.  Always faithful to
my loved ones on Earth.  There was the problem, the same problem that'd been
haunting me all my life.  I was such a good person that people assumed I'd
never want to do anything bad.  But somehow, I felt a NEED to do something
wrong, for once in my life, to be BAD.  I know what I did was wrong.  But
please understand that it wasn't ME making the decision to do it, it was a
force inside me stronger than reason.

I knew that if I asked her out she'd say no.  It would ruin our friendship,
and besides, any idiot could tell she was falling for Tom.  But I still wanted
her.  I still loved B'Elanna.  She was just like the girls I had obsessed over
as a teenage, always out of reach.  And I was too afraid to approach her, as
I've been all my life.  But when I came on Voyager, I had decided to be more
daring, hadn't I?  And besides, if she got involved with Tom it would ruin our
friendship just as much as it would if she got involved with me and it didn't
work out.  So I went for it.  I came up to her in engineering as she was
getting off duty the other night, and I asked her if she'd like to spend a
while with me on the holodeck.  There was nobody in engineering to hear our
conversation.

"Harry, are you saying what I think you're saying?  Are you . . . asking me
out?"  I nodded, blushing.  Dammit, why couldn't I be strong and bold?  I knew
she'd say no from the beginning.  "I . . . "

"It's okay if you don't want to.  I understand how you feel about Tom.  I'm
sorry for asking."  She gave me the strangest look, it was as if she looked
straight through me, seeing everything inside me.

"Starfleet . . . I . . . You're right, how I feel about Tom.  I have to admit,
I am attracted to him.  But . . . I dunno, I just never thought of you like
that before.  And what about Libby?"  I knew it, I knew she would say that.  I
heard it coming before I even got to engineering.  And it made me angry.  It
made me so angry I couldn't hide it like I always did.

"Fuck Libby!  I never cared about her.  I never cared about any of them! 
B'Elanna, I *love* you.  I *want* you.  And I don't give a shit how you feel
about anyone else, because you *will* be mine tonight."  So much for my calmly
accepting the rejection.  I was surprised and shocked at my outburst, but my
anger was overcoming everything.  When I get angry, I get ANGRY.  Little
things that bother me I can hide, but when I'm enraged as I was that night, I
can't control myself.  I'm ashamed of myself for never learning to control my
temper, but I was so fed up with it all.  I was sick of being nice, sick of
being quiet, sick of being rejected.  And I wanted her.  God, did I want her. 
I wanted to feel her warm flesh pressed against mine, to feel her lips on
mine, to feel her tongue with mine.

"Harry . . . "  She sounded frightened.  She'd never seen me angry before . .
. I don't think anyone really has, I usually take out my anger when I"m alone. 
There's that word again.  Alone.  What makes me really angry.  The thing
that's been cursing me all my life.  At that point, seeing how she feared me,
I got the strangest sense of power, that I could *control* her, make her do
whatever I pleased.  And I liked it.  I liked being in control.  I grabbed her
arms and pulled her to me, kissing her hard and not caring that she struggled. 
Her Klingon strength wasn't a match for my rage, for my rage is not something
that comes often.  I plucked off her commbadge and mine, and I hid them in my
pocket so she couldn't call security.  I don't know what I was thinking, why I
was doing that.  I wanted to do something bad.  And I was enjoying myself. 
she tried to scream, but I clapped my hand over her mouth.  And she bit. 
Lord, she bit so hard that my hand bled.  And I liked it.

Quickly checking to be sure nobody was around, I dragged her into the
turbolift with me, taking it up to the deck my quarters were on.  I looked out
the door first; thankfully there was nobody there and my quarters were only
two doors down.  I punched in my access code rapidly and flung her inside,
watching the force of my throw knock her over.  I shut the doors and locked
them, placing a special extra access code over the one that I already had.  I
grinned at her.  She was scared.  Yes, she was terrified; the big bad half-
Klingon was terrified of the naive young ensign.  I loved it.  I loved the
empowered feeling it gave me.  I never doubted that I'd be caught.  I knew I'd
get in trouble.  I didn't care.  I *wanted* to get in trouble.  I wanted to be
naughty.  And I wanted B'Elanna.

She backed away from me as I advanced, looking around frantically for a way
out.  She tried to get me to stop, to get me to let her out.  I didn't listen. 
She almost screamed, but I got to her in time to stop it with a kiss. 
B'Elanna struggled fiercely against me as I caught my hand in the collar of
her shirt and ripped it all the way down.  I pulled a piece of the material
off and gagged her, stopping her from screaming and alerting security before I
had my way with her.  I tore off the rest of her clothes and yanked her into
my bedroom, using the scraps of her uniform to tie her arms and legs down as I
removed my own clothes.  I was already aroused, seeing her struggle and kick
and seeing her fear excited me more than anything.  And when I took her, it
was with a hard, harsh thrusting, not the gentle loving pushing it was with
Libby.  I wanted to make her whimper in pain.  I wanted to make her recoil in
fear.  I wanted to make her *belong* to me.  I knew I hurt her, I didn't care. 
She managed to get a few strangled gasps out even though she was gagged, and I
knew she had no idea what had possessed me to do this to her.  I held her hips
tightly as I thrust, digging my fingernails into her soft flesh, delighting in
the feel of her blood flowing over my fingers.  And I bit, yes, I bit her
hard.  I bit her neck, I drew blood, I drank it eagerly.  I loved the coppery
taste in my mouth, I loved her tight resistance around me.  And when I came it
was with the same force as I had taken her with in the first place.  I had
B'Elanna.  I controlled her.  She was mine, willing or unwilling.  And I went
to sleep beside her, as she shivered and tears ran down her face and her
untended wounds seeped blood onto my bed.  And I was happy like that.

When I woke up, I was of course utterly ashamed of myself.  I untied her
immediately, and I expected her to attack me.  I was shocked when she still
backed away from me as I attempted to apologize.  I offered her a sheet to
cover herself to replace the uniform I had destroyed the night before, and I
unlocked the door for her.

"B'Elanna, I am so sorry, I don't know what came over me.  I'm sorry, you
should go call security.  They'll throw me in the brig.  I'm sorry."  I felt
tears in my eyes as she fled the room, and I could hear her padded footsteps
running down the hall.  I saw myself in the mirror, and I hated what I saw.  I
was wrong.  I shouldn't have done it.  I can tell you right now that I'll
never do anything like it again and I offer my most sincere apology to you and
to B'Elanna.  I am willing to take whatever punishment you see fit, Captain. 
Thank you for hearing my story.

-Ensign Harry Kim

END