Title: Rebeccah
Author: Veronica Williams
Email: xkhoi@iafrica.com
Size: 72K
Rating: PG
Codes: F; J/P
Summary: Voyager finds a wormhole that would lead them directly
to the Alpha Quadrant. They make it through the wormhole but
must suffer casualties.

REBECCAH

PART ONE

Tom Paris stood facing the Klingon woman. Her eyes bore into him
and he felt a little like dying again. It was like seeing B'Elanna.
Kor'ena Torres was a warrior, her magnificent mane of hair fanned
out over her shoulders; she stood proud and erect.

"So you say Tom Paris, that my daughter died with honour," she
stated. He noticed that Kor'ena's questions sounded like more like
statements. It was her way, he surmised.

He was pale, too pale according to the woman who faced him. He is
suffering, she thought. It is not a dishonour to show grief, yet
she could see that he was trying to suppress his pain.

"Yes..."

"Then I shall honour her memory," she said finally. She took a
step forward and held out her hand to Tom. He gripped it firmly
in his and nodded to her. He found it difficult to speak, but
Kor'ena understood. "I am also glad that she met you and was
happy with you."  He nodded again, feeling ridiculously like
crying.

When Kor'ena spoke again her voice was softer yet tinged with
great strength. It was so easy to see B'Elanna in this woman, Tom
thought with some pain.

"B'Elanna and I, we had many differences. She was angry most
of the time growing up. She - she rebelled against her Klingon
heritage. Everything that would bring honour to being Klingon.
I have not had good memories, Tom. It was not easy for me, nor
for her."

"I understand," Tom answered.

"Therefore I shall remember everything you have told me about
her life she had on Voyager, her pride being Klingon, her honour.
They will be the memories I take with me. I thank you for sharing
that with me."

"I have to go now..." he said lamely, his eyes so bleak that
Kor'ena wondered if he would get over B'Elanna's death.

"Thank you again, Tom, that you came here to speak to me about
her. I can see it was very difficult for you to relate all you
have told be about B'Elanna. Perhaps one day there will
be an opportunity to meet again, under circumstances that will
be much different from today."

Tom looked at Kor'ena and he knew that B'Elanna's death came
as a shock to her too and he understood that she could deal with
it, with her strong sense of discipline and pride. He knew
she would, after he had gone, go to the underground lava caverns
and howl her grief. Commit her daughter to Sto-vo-kor.

Sto-vo-kor.

That was B'Elanna's last word as he held her broken and bleeding
body in his arms in Voyager's sickbay. On the other bed lay
Chakotay with the Captain leaning over him... Seven crew had died
as they came through the wormhole...

He gave Kor'ena a last nod, turned on his heels and departed
for Earth. Home.

Home?

What was there? he thought as he sat in the shuttle and initiated
the start-up sequence. Home meant little now without B'Elanna,
without - he closed his eyes as the pain lanced through him -
the baby they were expecting. Everything he loved, everything
he lived for, in one moment there and the next... gone forever.

It was only a week since they returned. Now that all the fanfare
had died down a little, many were still counting the costs. Family
who had come to Starfleet Headquarters only to learn that their
loved ones had died in Voyager's desperate attempt to come
smoothly through the wormhole. They were Chakotay and B'Elanna -
the only senior officers who died and other crew members, among
them Kenneth Dalby who died trying to save B'Elanna's life in
engineering.

B'Elanna was so clear in his memory he had only to close his
eyes and picture her. Her fierce scowl when he made her angry,
her softness when she wasn't, her love... Her excitement over
the baby... She had the pink teddy bear in her hand when he
found her bleeding to death in engineering, clutching at it
and looking at him with her wide eyes. He screamed as her eyes
slowly closed and she sagged against him. By the time they made
it to sickbay it was too late...

Tom did not feel the scalding tears running down his cheeks
as he made his way to Starfleet Headquarters. He had no idea
what he wanted to do, felt totally rudderless on a open ocean
of grief. They were all given a six month leave of absence,
and could within that period make the necessary decisions
regarding their future. He hadn't seen any of the Voyager crew
in the past week and had no inclination to see them. He
couldn't face their compassion, their pity. They had all known
about the baby B'Elanna was expecting, were all as excited as
he and B'Elanna had been. In only another four months their
son would have been born...

He didn't know that the scream that filled the cabin, the voice
that cried B'Elanna's name was his own...

**

Tom had little idea how he came to touch down at Headquarters.
He had been so deep in thought. Before he knew it he was in
his own apartment, not far from where his parents' were in
San Francisco. His mother had prepared it for he and B'Elanna
as soon as they heard Voyager was returning and with the added
good news that B'Elanna was going to have a baby. Now it stood
empty and cold; without the warmth that would have made it a
home.

He sat down in the deep arm chair in the lounge, his head resting
against the back and with his eyes closed. <Oh, B'Elanna, why
did you leave me?> it throbbed painfully in his heart. He sat like
that a long time before he got up and poured himself a bourbon.
The bottles and glass were the only items that had been on the low
coffee table for the last week. He poured the second as he finished
gulping down the first. Tonight he was going to drink himself
into a stupor again...

He held up the glass in a mock salute and said bitterly:

"To life."

******

Two weeks later.

Tom was lying face down on the couch. It was 0800 and he had been
drinking steadily the previous night. He roused himself groggily as
the chime of the door seemed to ring in his head like sounding
cymbals. He rose unsteadily and padded barefoot to the door. He
hair was mussed and he was badly in need of a shave. His eyes were
bloodshot and his skin red and blotched. He looked a far cry from
the tidy, neat as a pin officer on Voyager, Kathryn Janeway thought
as she looked at him and watched how he tried to focus first before
he recognised her.

"Captain Janeway?" Tom asked as he peered at her and then slowly
pulled himself erect in her presence.

"Hello, Tom. May I come in?"

Only then Tom realised she was still standing outside the door.

"Captain... oh, I'm sorry. Please come in," he offered, cursing
himself now for the state he was in. Kathryn Janeway followed him
into the lounge.

Kathryn noticed the empty bottle on the coffee table, the
overturned glass. He wasn't coping, she thought. He's not the only
one... She noticed his bare feet, his rumpled clothing - he hadn't
been sleeping in a bed in a while. She sat down on a chair opposite
him. He looked a little ashamed; he tried to avert her gaze. The
blotches on his face were not only the result of his sustained
drinking he must have kept up during the night. He was blushing.

"Tom," she said finally, "you look like hell."

He turned when she nailed his state of mind and appearance so
directly. That was when he really looked at her and he saw the
dark smudges under her eyes, her gaunt look and alarming thinness.
A month ago she weighed more, he decided. Even through the dress
she was wearing he could see the jutting collarbones. A picture
flashed in his mind of Kathryn Janeway bending over the body of
Chakotay... He groaned inwardly. Oh God, he thought. How she must
miss him. He blurted the first thing that came to him as he looked
at her.

"You - you don't look too good either, Captain," he said.

There was another uncomfortable silence as she nodded in
affirmation, then looked down at her hands. She frowned heavily.
He saw her frown then wondered for the first time: why was she
here?

"How are you doing, Tom?" she asked.

Tom wondered again if the look in her eyes was just one of
interest: the Captain coming to see how her crew was doing; or did
he imagine there to be a pleading as well? How was he doing? He
wasn't doing at all.

"In the circumstances Captain, not as well as everyone hoped," he
said stiffly, trying to mask his burgeoning grief again.

"I'm sorry, Tom."

"And you, Captain?"

She was quiet a long time and Tom could sense the nervousness in
her.

"Tom," she said suddenly, not answering his question, "tell me
about B'Elanna - "

"There is no B'Elanna, Captain, and before you ask: there is no
baby," he retorted bitingly. He saw her flinch and close her eyes
as if he had struck her.

"Forgive me, Tom. You miss them, I know..."

"No! How could you know, Captain?" he cried sharply as he rose and
came to stand before her. She blanched at his sudden anger, the
eyes that started filling with angry tears. "How could you know?
You weren't married - "

"I was in love, Tom..." she answered softly, her eyes filling with
tears.

Tom cursed himself for the sudden outburst as he saw her distress.

"I'm sorry, Captain..." He sighed. "We all knew about you and
Chakotay, Captain. That you had the bond - the bond that - that - "
He felt a lump in his throat.

"You and B'Elanna had?" she asked. She relaxed a little as he sat
down again.

"Yes," he said. "Yes... like B'Elanna and I had..."

"Your baby - "

"It was going to be a boy," it came out, "a beautiful baby boy who
was going to look - to look like her..."

Tom leaned forward suddenly and covered his face. Kathryn watched
his shoulders shook as he sobbed for a few seconds, brokenly
calling B'Elanna's name. She leaned forward and touched his
shoulder. It was all she could do. She waited like that until he
eventually stopped and collected himself.

"I - I'm sorry. Forgive me, Captain. We - B'Elanna and I, we had
so many dreams, so many plans - "

"I know, Tom."

He looked pensively at her for a few moments, his eyes red from the
tears he shed.

"There's something I want to show you, Captain," Tom said as he
rose slowly, holding his hand out to her to indicate she must
follow him. They left the lounge and then Tom stood in front of
the door of a room. He opened the door and she stepped into the
room.

Kathryn stopped and drew in her breath sharply. It was a baby's
room, a nursery ready furnished with the most beautiful baby
furniture. There was a white crib in one corner. The walls were
adorned with little colourful animals, even Flotter and Treevis.
Above the cot hung a mobile consisting of - she smiled wanly -
little shuttles and starships. There was even a beautiful antique
rocking chair. Everything ready for the arrival of a baby into the
family. Her eyes burned suddenly and she felt a sharp pain in her
chest. She turned and left the room quickly, not wanting Tom to see
how it distressed her too. He followed her to the lounge again.

Tom looked at her as she faced him. He could see how her hands
trembled.

"Is something wrong, Captain?" he asked her.

"You - you were really looking forward to your baby," she whispered
hoarsely. "You loved him already so much...so much..."

"Yes, we did," he answered. "We did... I was looking forward to
being a father..." 

There was a long and uncomfortable silence in which Tom waited
for her to speak again.

"Tom..." it came very softly from her, but she kept his gaze,
"would - would you..."  Tom saw how her hands trembled and her
eyes become a little fevered. He stared fascinated at the way her
throat muscles moved as she tried to speak.

It came out hoarsely: "Would you consider being a father to a baby
girl?"

Tom gulped then dropped his jaw. It was a question that stunned
him, a fact never considered. He looked at her and saw the tension
in every line of her face, the look of fear in her eyes and the
waiting... the terrible waiting... His words:

"Whose baby girl, Captain?"

An eon... holding breath...

"Mine, Tom..." she said quietly, then waited as he stared at her
in shocked comprehension. He saw how her face paled even more, the
thin white line to her lips and the hands that couldn't seem to
stop trembling. "Mine," she repeated as she gave in at last and
closed her eyes. He caught her just as she collapsed.

****

The sun streamed into the room. Kathryn Janeway opened her eyes,
blinking as the light blinded her. For a few seconds she lay
like that, a little disoriented. She turned her face away from the
light and saw Tom sitting beside her on the bed. She frowned, then
looked away again quickly, not wanting him to see her like this.
Not wanting his pity. She knew it was a mad thing to do, an insane
idea.

But last night...last night at the hospital when Voyager's EMH
examined her... She closed her eyes and felt the tears coming
again. She saw the Doctor's compassion and the pity he couldn't
hide from his holographic face. His understanding and then his
acerbic admonishments was just too much as she rose from the bed,
left the hospital and walked. She walked most of the night, her
mind in turmoil. A baby, she thought. A baby Chakotay would never
see, a baby who would grow up without a father, who would never
know a man like Chakotay. She had no more tears left as she entered
her small apartment in the early hours of the morning, still in a
daze.

"Captain." Tom's voice broke into her thoughts.

"I - I'm sorry, Tom. I should never have c - "

"You need to eat something, Captain." She groaned and turned away
from him, but he caught his finger under her chin and made her look
at him. It was only then she noticed the hypospray and medical
tricorder.

"How - how long - "

"You been asleep for three hours, Captain," he said softly.

He saw the shame on her face, the tears that sat in her eyes. He
pulled her gently up and led her into an alcove in the kitchen.
It was warm and she noticed the food on the table. She groaned
again as he made her sit down.

"Eat, Captain. I'm not leaving here until you've at least got some
fluid intake and - " he held up the bread - "some dry toast."

But Kathryn Janeway sat there, her hands in her lap. Tom looked
a little more presentable than when she saw him earlier, his eyes
no longer so bloodshot. There was a determined set to his jaw. At
length she picked up the bread and started eating. She realised
she hadn't eaten since the previous afternoon and felt the hunger
pangs. Tom was satisfied when he saw her eat.

"Tom... I'll leave now," she said when she finished. He had been
fixing himself something and he turned to look at her.

"Then what, Captain?"

"Nothing, Tom. I shouldn't have bothered you, that's all," she said
softly as she rose from her chair. He held her arms and made her
sit down again. He looked at her pensively, as if he were weighing
something in his mind.

"A baby girl..." he said softly in a contemplative tone and Kathryn
watched the pain flash in his eyes. Her own eyes closed and she
wished for the hundredth time since Doc told her yesterday, that
this wasn't happening to her. But it did, and she couldn't change
it. She didn't want to change it, the idea of termination abhorrent
to her.

"Please... I have to go..."

"A baby girl, with soft golden hair like her mother, clear blue
eyes and her mother's strength and iron will..."

"Tom..."

He touched the Captain's cheek with infinite gentleness, saw how
her eyes closed again, the tears seeping through unchecked.

"...who needs a Daddy..." he whispered hoarsely.

She rose again, but he pressed her down gently.

"You need to be married," he said kindly, in a soft voice. He
watched her nod. It didn't need any explanation. Even in this
enlightened age there were certain dictates, he thought with mild
disgust. But that would not be... He shook his head mentally then
spoke again.

"On one condition, Captain Kathryn Janeway."

She looked at him, wondering whether he would... she shrank from
that idea the minute it entered her head. Chakotay... she could
still feel his body so close to hers, inhale his smell, everything
about him. <Dear God, she thought. I am bartering again. For my
baby to have a father. For another man to lie next to me...> She
got up then and rushed past him to the front door, but he caught up
with her and held her arms.

"I get to name our baby."

Tom watched Kathryn Janeway's expression change from shock to
understanding to... an immense relief. For a long time she stood
looking at him. An idea struck him suddenly and he led her back
inside and made her sit next to him on the couch. He held her hands
in his and looked into her eyes. His heart bled for a wild moment
at the images that flashed through his mind and the breathlessness
at the thought that there would be a baby after all.

"Kathryn, will you marry me, and let me be the father of our baby?"

He brought her hands to his chest with his own covering hers.
She nodded first, then said very softly "yes" and pressed her face
against his hands, expelling a soft sigh as she did so.

His hand came out and he cupped her head gently in a consoling
gesture. She didn't cry, just sat quietly but he could feel the
shudders go the through her slender frame. So many things went
through his mind. It was madness, impulsive. He was marrying his
Captain, his senior in rank and age. There was no doubt that he
admired her, liked her more than any other woman. But after
B'Elanna... his emotions were still so raw, exposed. He was
vulnerable and he couldn't accept that B'Elanna was gone from his
life forever, that the baby they were going to have was lost to
him forever. He had nothing left. No wife, no baby, no future.
It was all he lived for. It was what gave his life meaning and
direction.

Now he was about to do an insane thing. He was going to help his
Captain in a pinch. He was going to save her from some social
embarrassment; he was going to be the father of another man's child.
He berated himself for the unkind trend his thoughts were taking.
No, that was not why he wanted to do it. It was the thought of
a little girl with bright blue eyes and golden hair who looked
like Kathryn that won him. A baby girl who unknowingly, long before
her birth has already turned him, Tom Paris, round her little
finger.

He held Kathryn - when did she become Kathryn? he wondered with
mild surprise - away from him, letting her relax against the
backrest of the couch. She looked at him, a question in her eyes.
He leaned over and placed his hand with infinite tenderness
against her stomach and held it there.

"I love her already, Kathryn," he murmured softly.

Her hand came out to cover his where it rested on her belly. Her
eyes closed. <Oh dear God, Chakotay, another man loves your
daughter already. Without condition. Be happy for me, my love.
I miss you so much I can't sleep anymore. I miss you so much, my
very breath needs you. But please, oh please forgive me... forgive
me...>

Tom watched the play of emotions in Kathryn's face and knew she was
thinking of Chakotay. He sighed. They were both shattered by their
loss, they were both mourning still so intensely. Yet deep inside
he sensed that they were doing the right thing. His instinct that
told him they could help each other in their grief, share their pain
and loneliness. It was a difficult road they were embarking on but
he knew that whatever there would or would not be between him and
Kathryn, they would not allow it to stop them from giving their
baby all their love.

For now the friendship and solace they could give one another
would be solid enough as a foundation. Kathryn, he knew, would be
totally committed as he would be, to give their daughter the
benefit of parents who would love her completely. He felt a surge
of excitement at the thought, happy that the nursery his mother
had prepared so lovingly for his and B'Elanna's child, would now
belong to his and Kathryn's baby.

******

By the next day Tom arranged for  Kathryn's things to be moved
to his apartment. He had taken her home and seen to it that she ate
again and ran some scans for good measure. Then he made her get
into bed and stayed until she fell asleep. He left her a message
before he went home again and contacted his father.

Now Kathryn Janeway stood in her lounge and watched Tom take
charge. If truth be told, she had been too tired to offer any
opposition as he started packing her things. He allowed her to do
very little herself. He made her lie on her couch, got her feet up
and put a pillow under her head.

"Stay," he said with a note of warning. He had already seen her
eyes drooping and wondered whether she had been awake the whole
night again. But he knew from B'Elanna's experience that even this
early in her pregnancy, Kathryn was tired.

It wasn't long before he saw that Kathryn was fast asleep. His
mouth curved in a tender smile as he noticed that Kathryn had
acquiesced without much demurring. She had to be very tired and
the night before she came to him she must have been fraught with
extreme worry. That and dealing with Chakotay's death. Now he
calmly went about his tasks and had already effected a site to site
transport before he went to look in on her. 

He shook her gently and she woke with a start, surprised that she
fell asleep again. She sat up and ran her fingers through her hair.

"Ready?" he asked quietly.

She just shook her head. But he was glad there was some colour back
in her face again. He was also glad to see the look of despair and
fear he had witnessed the previous morning now gone.

They left in a hovercar and within minutes Kathryn Janeway, soon
to be the wife of Tom Paris, was ensconced in the larger of the two
bedrooms of his apartment. She was feeling a little dazed as she
looked around her. Everything was moving so quickly, she hardly
took in one thing then had to absorb another.

It was late afternoon and Tom knocked on her door before he
entered.

"Tom," she said as she stood up from the bed and held her hand
to him. "Thank you."

"Thank *you*, Kathryn," he said. "For Rebeccah," he added softly.

"Rebeccah?" she asked, looking quizzically at him before
understanding dawned.

"I told you I get to name our daughter," he said, touching her
cheek.

He was gratified to see her smile for the first time since she
knocked on his door yeserday morning.

"Rebeccah it is, Tom." She smiled again. He smiled in return then
said:

"I'll leave you for a while, Kathryn. I have an appointment at 1700
with my father," he said. He touched her cheek and before she could
thank him again, he was gone.

She sighed. Then she opened her dresser drawer and took out the
silver object she had put in the corner under her underwear. The
silver fob watch and chain Chakotay had given her lay on her palm.
Her fingers caressed the face of the watch.

"It's May 20th Kathryn. Have you forgotten?" Chakotay's words
sounded in her heart.

"It's beautiful, Chakotay," she had answered him, kissing him
deeply for such thoughtfulness. She had forgotten it was her
birthday.

"Happy birthday, my love," he whispered before he kissed her again.

Kathryn Janeway's heart became heavy again in those moments as she
held the watch to her breast and cried hopelessly for Chakotay.
When the tears stopped at last she placed the watch again in the
corner. She left the room, her feet carrying her to the nursery.

She opened the door and went inside. She walked slowly to the crib
and looked at the mobile again. The shuttles Cochrane and 
Sacajeweya, the Enterprise A, the Enterprise D, the Melbourne,
the Phoenix - all moving gently as she touched it. She smiled and
thought that here would probably be one thing that would be a
source of disagreement between her and Tom about their daughter's
future.

She sat down in the rocking chair and thought about the baby for
the first time with anticipation. A baby that Tom said would look
like her. Her cheeks glowed as the thought came to her. A baby
who would call her Mommy; who would call Tom Daddy. Who would take
her first tottering steps towards her Daddy whose arms would be
held open to catch her when she fell. Kathryn smiled dreamily.

That is the picture of Kathryn Janeway Tom would remember for a
very long time. Seeing her sitting in the rocking chair asleep
with a smile on her face.

***

A week later, in a discreet ceremony in the office of Admiral Owen
McKenzie Paris, that gentleman joined his son Thomas Eugene Paris
and his protege Kathryn Janeway in marriage.

All circumstances considered, Admiral Paris and his wife Elizabeth,
and Kathryn's mother Gretchen had given their blessing on this union.
For Tom's parents could see how the coming baby already gave him
new purpose; they witnessed his protectiveness over his wife and
smiled. They knew it would not be long before Tom would love
their new daughter-in-law. About one thing they were ecstatic:
they were getting a granddaughter.

******

"Well, Captain, your baby is doing just fine," Doc said as Kathryn
sat up on the biobed with Tom standing beside her. He held her hand
as he helped her off the bed. She ran her fingers through her hair.
Tom could see that she was edgy, and though the tests showed their
baby was in fine health, Kathryn didn't respond too well. Tom
pursed his lips as he tried not to show his concern.

"And Captain," Doc said on a more amicable note, his bedside
manner honed to perfection, "you must really follow doctor's
orders and allow your husband to ensure that you do. I can see
you are still not taking in the nutrient supplements like you are
supposed to," he added, emphasizing the last words.

"Doctor..." Kathryn looked a little mortified now, "I don't know
how I can. I have excessive nausea most of the time - "

"Kathryn," Tom said as his arm went round her, "it will go over
soon now. In a week's time," he said with a smile. He was rewarded
with a quelling stare from her as her eyes flashed. He knew better
than to say anything more now. At home though...

"Here's a new list for you, Captain," the EMH said as he finished
up. "You're entering your second trimester now and I would suggest
you rest more." The last was said with a note of warning. They had
been here since the previous evening when Kathryn had complained
of cramps. She was in her third month and she had been scared, as
was Tom when he rushed her to Starfleet Medical. Everything seemed
to be okay now. He was hopeful that she would at least now listen
to some reason. B'Elanna had been difficult, but Kathryn's iron
will and implacability made her impossible as she tried at times
to pull rank on him, he thought ruefully.

By the time they were back home, Kathryn had calmed somewhat. She
balked at first when Tom insisted that she lie down. She saw his
intractable look and sighed. Sometimes *he* was impossible, she
thought. She acquiesced with as much grace as she could without
revealing that she was really tired and wanted to rest anyway.

"Okay, I will Tom. But I'll lie on the couch. I can put my feet
up," she said, giving him a smile.

He nodded and went to her room, returning seconds later with a
pillow and afghan. He tucked her in and heard her sigh again.
Looking at her he saw that her eyes were closed. He sat down on
the couch lifting her feet so that they rested on his lap. He
started first on one foot, massaging gently and letting his
thoughts stray to the events of the last two months.

*

The nights as he expected, were the worst. They were fraught with
nightmares, screams and hopeless crying. Although they had
their own rooms, Tom spent many nights in hers, just holding her
and offering her comfort. She would shiver uncontrollably as she
cried for Chakotay, or berated herself that he dived over her as
the bulkhead came down that tore through his body.

"Shhh... don't cry so, please," Tom begged one night.

"He saved my life, Tom," she wailed brokenly. "He d-didn't follow
orders..."

"That is why you are alive Kathryn," Tom soothed as he stroked
her hair that was plastered to her forehead. She was feverish
and he could do nothing more than hold her and croon softly to her.
"Because he didn't follow orders, you are alive, Kathryn and so
is our baby..."

"He's dead, Tom..."

"I know, Kathryn...I know," he comforted her as he felt his own
tears at the sight of her grief. He would get up from the bed,
walk to her dresser and take out the watch Chakotay had given
her. Like a baby she would clutch it to her breast while Tom rocked
her gently until she fell again into an exhausted sleep.

He knew that as commanding officer Kathryn had to contain her own
fear and agony, suppress her own trauma and see to the needs of
the crew first before she could go to sickbay where Chakotay, he
suspected now with hindsight, was already dead. Now everything
surfaced with such a vengeance that he wondered if she would ever
recover fully. Kathryn would wake up in the morning and find him
asleep in the deep armchair he had brought into the room the first
night she had a nightmare. She would be embarrassed when she saw
him. It was the sign that she had been terrified during the night,
and remembered little of it. She would try to hide the watch
quickly before he saw it, but had given up after a while. Kathryn
knew that he knew of its existence, and the sentiments with which
it had been given to her.

One night - a week ago - Tom realised suddenly, he woke up to the
sound of water running. It was 0300 when he looked at the
chronometer. He sighed. What now? He got up, put on his robe and
went into the bathroom. He paled visibly.

"Kathryn, for God's sake!" he cried as he saw her sitting on the
floor of the shower, steaming water running over her. He had
taken off his own robe, pulled her up none too gently and wrapped
her in it before he lifted her in his arms and carried her to her
bed.

He had the inclination to throw her down on it and shake her hard,
so angered he was. But his anger subsided quickly as he saw how 
she was shivering. Taking a towel from a rail in her room he dried
her hair.

"Damn it, Kathryn, what the hell do you think you were doing?"
he asked softly as he wiped the hair from her face and looked into
her eyes. He almost died then. They were bleak... empty, empty...
That was when he slapped her gently. The sting of his palm against
her cheek seemed to work as she jerked back, then she focused on
him. She looked a little confused, her blue eyes filling quickly
with tears as she recognised him.

"Tom?"

"Oh dear God, Kathryn, what's to become of us?" he croaked as he
wrapped her in his arms and held her like that for a long, long
time. She was shaking like a leaf, her tears soaking into the
old T-shirt he was wearing. He caressed her hair, cried with her
and wiped her tears when she calmed down after a while.

He removed the robe and walked to her drawer where he pulled
out a fresh nightgown, something long and satiny, he noticed idly.
He helped dry her and then she put on the nightie. When she was
at last settled, he sat down next to her.

"Kathryn, please listen to me," he said calmly, placing his hand
against her stomach. "For our baby's sake if nothing else, Kathryn,
I want you to get beyond this. She is what you have to live for
now. Do you understand?"

Tom saw her eyes welling with tears again and cursed himself
silently. His hand rested against her cheek. "Will you?"

"I - I'm sorry, Tom. So sorry," she said tremulously. "It  - it
was too much, too much..."

"Tell me," he encouraged softly.

Kathryn started speaking, haltingly at first, her voice trailing
away sometimes. She was not aware at times of the scalding tears
as she related details of the accident and aspects of her life with
Chakotay. The rest of that night Tom sat with her while she spoke
to him of her love for Chakotay, of the man he was in private, of
his kindness, his quiet strength...

"I called him my rock," she said with a gentle smile, her cheeks
shining with the streaks of tears still on them.

"He was that, Kathryn. Always calm and steady... your perfect
mate..."

"Yes..."

"It's how you will remember him, Kathryn. How you must always
remember him..."

"Remember what was good between us?"

"Yes, even now that...he is - "

"no longer with me... I know, Tom." She fell back against the
pillow and closed her eyes briefly. Then she looked at Tom and
took his hand. His fingers curled around hers and they felt warm
and reassuring, she thought absently.

"Our grief, Kathryn, is still so raw and open. We can't just stop
feeling it, or suppress it... or make it go away quickly. But we
have little Rebeccah to think of now..." Tom touched her stomach
again then said softly, "and she is alive, Kathryn. A living,
breathing legacy Chakotay has left for us. She is his gift to you,
gentle Kathryn..."

"Tom...?" He saw her eyes widen with incredulous wonder.

"Yes... you never thought of Rebeccah in that way, have you?"

"He - he must have known, Tom... He must have known deep down..."

"There, you see? Chakotay did not die in vain, Kathryn. Believe
that, and Rebeccah will be our real blessing," he said before
he leaned forward and kissed her brow. He rose from the bed to
go to his own room but she called him back softly.

"Tom?"

"Hmmm?"

"Are you my friend?"

"The best you can have, Kathryn."

"Will my friend hold me again?" she asked quietly. There was a
pleading in her eyes, and in that moment he knew he couldn't
refuse her.

"Sure," he said, then he got in beside her.

Tom spooned her body to his and brought his arm around her. His
hand covered hers where it rested protectively against her stomach.
Her hair had dried and he nuzzled her neck gently, taking in her
smell. Tom thought he heard her soft "thank you" before she settled
into him and became quiet again. Like that they lay until he could
feel her breathing ease into the blessed rhythm of peaceful sleep.
He had fallen asleep again - a dreamed-filled sleep - and bright
sunlight streamed into the room when he eventually woke. An amused
Kathryn was braced on her elbow, her head on her hand and she
watched him, a whisper of a smile on her lips.

"What?" he asked groggily.

"You called me B'Elanna..."

"I - I'm sorry," he stammered, turning red.

"You miss her," Kathryn said. It was a statement.

"Yes... yes, I do..." he whispered, his eyes growing bleak again.

***********

"Tom..." Kathryn's voice broke into his reverie.

He started up. He must have been dreaming, he thought as he was
still rubbing Kathryn's ankles absently. Or wasn't he? He looked
a little bemused.

"What..."

"You fell asleep..."

"I did?"

"You did, Tom..." she smiled at him and he was suddenly
ridiculously happy to see her smile. It changed her face, lit her
up. She had no idea at all how she was blooming with her pregnancy.

"Rebeccah has a very good effect on you," he said, leaning over
to touch her face. He smiled when he saw her confusion. "You are
the most beautiful pregnant woman I've seen, Kathryn," he said
with conviction.

She blushed a little then tried to look away, but he held his
finger under her chin and made her look at him. She gave a nervous
laugh.

"In a few months I'm going to be fat and ugly, you know that,"
she said acidly. He detected some of her old humour in her statement
and played along. He was glad she was looking much better now than
yesterday morning. Then she had been disgusted and ashamed when he
helped her to the bathroom to retch. Her eyes were very blue and
clear, direct almost as she looked at him. He replied nastily:

"Don't worry, Rebeccah will more than make up for your lack of
beauty - "

He was rewarded when she grabbed the pillow and thumped him with
it. He laughed out loud for the first time then added:

"She'll upstage you, Kathryn."

"Not a chance. If she's going to look like me, we're even, so
there," Kathryn retorted and stuck her tongue out at him.

He grabbed her and held her to him. "It's good to see you smiling
again, Kathryn," he said softly.

"You're good for me, Tom," she replied, then she kissed him on
his cheek before she rested her head against him and sighed with
contentment. His hand covered hers where she pressed it against
his chest.

"Damned right I am," he muttered softly, then planted a kiss
on her hair.

*****

Three months later.

Tom was standing in his room in front of the mirror, fingering
the three pips on his collar. Well, two and a half really. But
six months had passed since their return and both he and Kathryn
would be back on duty today.

Kathryn at six months pregnant was adamant that she wanted to
be busy again. He was adamant - and how glad he was that Doc
was on his side - that she do only very light duty. Trust his
father, he thought wryly, to pull some strings for his daughter-
in-law. She would be taking a few classes daily for the next
two months, teaching quantum mechanics to senior cadets.

"I'm glad, Kathryn," he had told her a week ago, "that way Doc
can keep an eye on you all the time, and my parents are on hand
if there are any emergencies."

They had been taking a walk in the late afternoon, enjoying
the balmy sunshine. Inevitably they had to consider their future,
and spent the time talking about the possibilities of Kathryn
working for two months. The last month he would be home again
with her for the birth of the baby.

"I haven't been sitting still, you know, Tom," she told him
as she stopped to look up at him. He didn't either. He spent
the time working on designs for new shuttles. Type nine flyers
that would be fitted with the transwarp technology B'Elanna and
Harry had been working on.

He sighed. His was flying Voyager as its Chief Helmsman, newly
promoted to Lieutenant-Commander. A two month mission that would
include flying Voyager through the Badlands to an M-class planet
on the other side. He would be gone and he was worried that
Kathryn would need him again as she's had so often in the last
three months.

It was a healing process he thought that was progressing slowly
and painfully. It drained Kathryn and it drained him. Yet they
were able offer one another the solace each needed when their
dark hours were so dark that they wondered whether the heavens
conspired to punish them. Then one of them would remind the other
of the baby, of little Rebeccah not yet born, but with a name
and identity and personality who, without knowing it, was assisting
in her parents' healing. It was a struggle to come to grips with
the traumas both experienced; a time in which they were sometimes
too distraught to communicate, when they pushed each other away.
Then everytime the thought of the baby would bring them back from
that brink of the abyss to the reality, to face yet another day
in which their longing for their mates lingered just beneath the
surface of their pain.

But right now he was little worried. It would be the first time
away from Kathryn, and she still had some amazing mood swings he
had learned quickly to handle. He had picked her up twice from
the bathroom floor after that first time, and that was when he
suggested she see a counsellor. It was something to which Kathryn
readily agreed, realising she was possibly endangering her
pregnancy.  She did promise she would keep him up to date with
her progress. It was the one advantage of being back in the Alpha
Quadrant, he thought grimly. Now they could be in contact anywhere
and anytime.

*****

Kathryn stood in front of her mirror and surveyed herself. She
grimaced. Starfleet's concession to pregnant officers didn't sit
too good on her. The top of her uniform fell gently over the rise
of her belly. She touched her stomach and smiled as she felt
a sudden movement. It still left her breathless the way the baby
kicked. But she was glad to be in uniform again. It gave her new
purpose, stimulated her endlessly when she could study and brush
up on quantum mechanics again. She felt enervated now. She was
still rising from the very dark abyss into which she and Tom had
been plunged six months ago. A period of intense mourning that's
not over, she believed. It was a beginning though and both of
them could look with greater expectations to the birth of their
baby.

Their baby.

It was always *our* child, *our* baby from the very start. From
the minute he placed his hand on her stomach and said: "I love her
already", Tom had seen Rebeccah as his daughter. He was not the
man who was going to help her out of a tight spot, Kathryn thought
wryly. He was Rebeccah's Daddy exactly as though she carried Tom's
DNA.

She knew that they would have to tell Rebeccah the truth about
her father one day. It was something ironically, Tom broached first
and insisted upon.

"She has the right to know, Kathryn," he said some time ago.

"But you, Tom, you will be the only father she will have," she had
answered him.

Tom was totally in love with his unborn child, she thought tenderly.
So completely it was almost unnatural. But she could see even now,
with him so caring, so concerned, that he was imminently Daddy
material. 

Yet there was a night... She closed her eyes remembering Tom's
shattered expression when he felt the baby move for the first time.

*****

They had been playing 3D chess one evening three weeks ago. The
multi-level set was perched on the coffee table and he had been
sitting in the chair opposite her. He had honed his skills
considerably since his return, playing often with his father
at his parents' apartment. She had been amazed that they could be
friends now, considering all that had happened that turned Tom
into the rebellious youth and young officer before his Voyager
years. The older man was clearly a changed person, she thought.

"I'm beating you, Tom," she said as she noticed how preoccupied
he looked. Was he concentrating at all? she wondered as she put
him in check.

"Huh, what?" he asked as he looked up. "Sorry, I was thinking,"
he said. "Next game though, is mine, Kathryn," he added with a
gleam in his eye.

"Tom!"

"What is it?" he asked with great concern and jumped up to reach
for her. "What is it?" he asked again as he held her, seeing her
eyes fill with some secret wonder.

She took his hand and guided him to her stomach. Her lips were
parted and she was breathless with excitement. She held his hand
flat against her belly.

Tom felt a faint fluttering of movement that became suddenly
frenzied at his touch. He was so stunned that he became dizzy;
there was a crazy buzzing sound in his head. It was as though
he was somewhere else...Voyager... He heard a voice:

"He knows it's you, Tom." There was a bright and breathy laugh
that followed the words, then, "this is one Klingon that will
listen to his Daddy..."

Where did that come from?

"B'Elanna?" he asked as he looked up at her. "Our son?"

Kathryn's heart broke in that second as she saw Tom's blue eyes
look like they had cracked into a thousand shards. There was
so much pain that her own eyes filled at the sight of his
heartache. She put her hand to his cheek and felt him flinch at
her touch.

"Tom, it's me, Kathryn," she said softly, her eyes full of concern
as she saw his face. "It's our baby, Rebeccah - "

"No!" he cried, "I have a son..."  then he jumped up in alarm,
knocking the chess set from the table in his hurry to get up. He
gave Kathryn one last agonising look before he stumbled to the
door.

"Tom! Wait! I understand - "

But the door opened and closed again with a slamming finality.

Kathryn had paced the floor of the lounge most of that night
until she was so tired that she reluctantly lay down on the couch
and fell into an uneasy sleep.

It was in the early hours of the morning that she heard the front
door open. She did not move but watched him walk past her. Then
she heard another door open and close. She waited a few minutes
before she rose tiredly, her body stiff and cramped from lying in
an uncomfortable position. She ran her fingers through her hair
and walked slowly to the nursery. She saw him sitting on the
floor with his back against the wall. His shoulders were hunched,
his head resting on his drawn up knees.

"Tom..."

"Go away..."

She reached him and bent down with some difficulty to kneel in
front of him. She stroked his hair and felt him stiffen, but she
kept on touching him until she could feel the stiffness leave his
body. She felt his hand come up to touch her shoulder. Still he
didn't look at her.

"Forgive me, Kathryn," he whispered, his voice taut with emotion.

"Tom, look at me, please," she pleaded. He lifted his head slowly,
looking at her with his heart in his eyes. She caressed his cheek,
feeling how he leaned into her hand as she did so.

"What happened, Tom?" she asked softly. But Tom, looking at her,
saw the uncomfortable position in which she was kneeling. He
stood up and pulled her gently with him. He made her sit in the
rocking chair and he sat down on the floor beside her. He held her
hand in his all the time as he spoke.

"For a wild moment, Kathryn, I was back on Voyager the night before
we came through the wormhole. You remember how elated everyone had
been, the lively atmosphere?" Kathryn nodded. She and Chakotay had
- she closed her eyes at the thought - they conceived Rebeccah that
that night. Tom's voice interrupted her thoughts again.

"B'Elanna and I - we were playing chess..." He was quiet and
Kathryn's hand went out again to stroke his hair. He looked tired,
she thought. She knew how despair could turn one insane.

"Kathryn, you said 'she knows it's you', didn't you?" he asked her
quickly. When she nodded, he continued: "It was B'Elanna's voice I
heard. She said exactly the same words - except - "

" - she was referring to your son..."

"Yes..."

He said that very softly, and she gripped his hand tightly seeing
his unhappiness.

"I understand, Tom. We - we knew from the start it was never going
to be easy..."

"For a strange and wicked moment I thought she was alive, talking
to me, excited about our boy. Her voice, it sounded so clear then,
so clear. I - "

Kathryn saw him become agitated again and she soothed him, touching
his lips with her fingers. It was a gentle touch that seemed to
calm him.

"Your mind wanted her to be alive, Tom," Kathryn said very quietly.
You were angry that she died, weren't you?"

Tom looked at her astounded and for a few moments he was stunned
into silence.

"How - how did you know?" he asked at last.

"I felt the same, Tom. The morning I came to see you I had walked
the whole night being angry at the world, angry that Chakotay died
and I lived, angry that he left me to cope alone... Not knowing what
to do about my - my condition..."

He shook his head in affirmation.

"I had nothing left, Kathryn. Nothing. I was angry, yes... And
then when you told me to feel the baby move, it was as if I wanted
you to be her, to be my B'Elanna and our son... My reaction... It
was unforgivable, Kathryn. Forgive me..."

But Kathryn had taken his hand and once again guided him to feel
her belly. The baby moved again, and again it was a frenzied
fluttering the minute his hand pressed into Kathryn's stomach. This
time he looked at her, his eyes clear before the tears sprang into
them and he said with wonder:

"She knows it's me, Kathryn."

"Yes, she knows it's you, Tom..."  And she smiled tenderly as her
hand covered his.

*******

"Dreaming again, Kathryn?" Tom asked as he entered her room quietly
and saw her standing in front of her mirror absently stroking her
swollen belly. At six months she was positively blooming.

"I was thinking, Tom."

"That's dreaming."

"Really."

"Oh yes, and if you don't stop this minute, we'll be late."

"Tom - " she said quickly and he saw a look of panic cross her
features.

"What is it?" 

Kathryn's next move surprised him. She threw herself in his arms
and hugged him tightly. His arms went around her and he could feel
her trembling. His hand cupped her head for a moment, then he held
her a little away from him. She looked with saddened eyes at him
before she said:

"Please, do be careful, Tom." 

He knew she was referring to his mission into the Badlands.

He enfolded her again very tenderly before he said:

"I will, sweet Kathryn, I will... for Rebeccah," he said.

"For Rebeccah," came her answer.

<And for you, my Kathryn> came his silent plea.

*********

It was 0800 when Tom went off duty and he was on his way to his
quarters. He was glad to be back on Voyager, now under a new
command. Tuvok served as Voyager's First Officer, while
Captain Ogland Shepard assumed command. Harry was still Chief
of Operations, promoted deservedly to Lieutenant. Tom sighed.
Lieutenant-Commander Joe Carey headed Engineering now.

"I had a very, very good leader, Tom. B'Elanna was a hard
taskmaster, but excessively fair."

Tom was grateful for the understanding shown him by those crew
and close friends who were still assigned to Voyager. They all knew
that he married Kathryn Janeway four weeks after their return and
that she was going to have a baby. He wondered absently if Kathryn
knew how her old crew still loved her so much, always asking about
her and the baby.

The crew - those who had been on Voyager in its Delta Quadrant
years, knew that Chakotay fathered her child; it was something the
two of them couldn't prevent people knowing. He and his parents had
kept the fuss and nine day wonder that Kathryn Janeway married Tom
Paris to a minimum; that she was pregnant they accepted with little
more than a half interested nod. Most Voyager crew knew the true
state of affairs and where Tom had been apprehensive about facing
them when he boarded the vessel seven weeks ago, he found that they
were remarkably clannish. They appeared so totally protective that
it warmed his heart no end.

They had been saddened by B'Elanna and Chakotay's death and knew
that both Tom and the Captain were plunged into deep despair and
mourning. About one thing they were unanimous: Tom was going to
the father of the Captain's baby. They thought of the baby as the
daughter of Tom and Kathryn Paris, regardless of the circumstances.
It was the one thing Tom admired about the old Voyager crew.
Kathryn had led them well, so well that they were still incredibly
loyal to her. It was touching to see their concern for the
Captain's well-being and each week Kathryn contacted him on the
vid-com, he had to tell them how her pregnancy progressed. Some
have even stated that should the Captain be given a new vessel to
command, they would all apply for transfers.

He was glad to be back and glad to be piloting again. Reinstated
as Chief Helmsman, his promotion to Lieutenant-Commander came as
something of a mild surprise. He didn't expect it at all,
considering his demotion now almost a year ago.

He was so preoccupied that he almost walked past his quarters -
deck 4, his old cabin. It was warm inside and he smiled when he
thought how they had become used to the lowered temperatures on
Voyager when they were still traveling in the Delta Quadrant. Then
they were rationed on everything. Now he could replicate himself
ten pepperoni pizzas if he wanted to. It would only come off his
well earned credits he had been building up since joining the crew
again.

He showered first, then had a solitary meal. He was waiting for
Kathryn's weekly call - the last one before Voyager would be
returning to Earth. He looked forward to her calls or messages.
Most of the time she was able to speak to him direct. Now there
was a tiny, yet niggling concern when he thought of their
communications of the last few weeks.

On an inspiration he decided to play every message again, from her
first one. That was the week before they were deep into the
Badlands. They completed that part of their mission first before
traveling to the Norlom Star system.

"Computer, initiate messages Rebeccah Alpha"

Immediately the first picture came up and he looked at Kathryn's
face. She looked healthy, he thought. She was blooming and her
smile lit up her face. She gave him an update on their baby's
progress.

"And Tom, do be careful," she said again, knowing that he would
pilot them through the Badlands. He watched how her face became
a little clouded and thought it was just her concern for his
safety.

"Good luck, Mr Paris," he remembered her words the time he flew
a shuttle away from Voyager when Voyager was under heavy attack
by the Kazon, subsequently taken over and her crew dumped on
an alien planet.

Why would she sound so concerned now when she had no reason to
doubt his ability as a flyer? He played back message after
message. He smiled when Kathryn would show him after a few of
those messages a scan of their baby. He could see the movement,
Rebeccah's heartbeat, even a finger pressed into her little mouth.
His eyes would fill with tears each time she showed him the scans.

But now he noticed the progression of the messages: each time
Kathryn appeared to lose more of her sparkle. Once he had asked
her and she put it down to the normal tiredness and discomfort she
suffered with a first pregnancy.

Then the previous week's message came up. She looked really tired
and there were smudges under her eyes. What was wrong? he thought.
He wished he had been there with her. He could swear it was not
just her tiredness. She had spoken direct then:

"Tom, it's nothing. It's just my back that's aching a little. Your
mother has been very kind to massage my back," she said.

She stood a little away from the screen so that he could see how
far her swollen belly extended. He laughed then when she stuck her
tongue out at him again.

Another week and she'd be eight months pregnant. But listening to
her words of the previous message, he could detect a note of what?
wistfulness? A soft sigh that escaped her?

He felt worried and switched off his computer. He sat in his chair
for long minutes, deep in thought. He got up later and went to the
bedroom's alcove where he stored the gifts the crew had bought for
the baby. He had his own already packed but picked up the bag and
took out the soft toy he picked out in a market on Norlom IV. It
was pinkish in hue, with short stubs for arms and legs. In truth,
it did look like a teddy bear. It's why he was attracted in the
first place.

He started up when the voice of the computer alerted him to an
incoming message. In one fluid movement he was back at his desk
and flipped on the console. Kathryn's face filled the screen and
she gave him a wan smile.

"Hi Tom, it's good to see you," came her greeting. She sounded a
little different too.

"Kathryn, how are you?" he asked, unable to mask his concern. He
didn't care if it showed in his face.

"Baby's thriving and kicking me at the oddest times," she said.
"Like when I'm in class standing in front of cadets. I imagine
they can see how she moves," she added a little morosely.

"How are you, Kathryn?" he asked again. And why those smudges
under your eyes?"

She looked away, then at him again. He saw her lips press together.
<I'm going to get nothing out of her> he thought.

"I told you it's just a little tiredness."

"It's more than that, Kathryn. I can see you don't look too good
right now. Come on, tell me. Please," he added.

Her eyelids fluttered nervously. Something is wrong, he thought.

"I'll be back in a week, Kathryn," he soothed, hoping his words
would offer some comfort. "Now will you tell me what's the matter?"
he prodded again.

"I - I can't sleep, Tom," she said softly.

"Nightmares?" he asked. He was surprised when she shook her head.
"What is it then?" he asked softly, his voice suddenly tender.
Her eyes filled with tears then. He could she how she battled
for control, see how her throat moved. He sensed she wanted to
say something which she felt either afraid or shy to say.

"I - I don't know, Tom... I - forget it. It's nothing - "

"Kathryn! Dammit!" he shouted as she suddenly cut off
communication and the screen went blank.

He sat back and used some colourful twentieth century invectives
to express his frustration. "Damn!" he said eventually again,
then beat his fist against the desk surface. He got up and paced
frantically, thinking about some course of action he could
follow. She would not return his call if he called a hundred
times tonight. He sat down suddenly as a thought struck him, then
switched on the computer again.

Placing a call to Starfleet Headquarters, he was prepared to wait
the evening out until his mother would respond. How had he
forgotten? She was, after all, still working at Starfleet Medical.

He thought again how Kathryn looked just now and felt his heart
contract. In the seven weeks he been away from her, he didn't
think that he could miss her so much already. He felt rotten
about being away the last weeks, not seeing her, not touching
her stomach to feel the baby move or press his ear against
Kathryn's belly and conduct silly conversations with his daughter.

He missed their conversations in the evenings, the regular walks
they took with his arm protectively around her shoulder. He missed
not being with her when she had nightmares and woke up crying in
the night, or when he had nightmares and he would find her bending
over him in concern.

He closed his eyes. Unbelievable as it sounded, as unlikely as it
sounded, he missed her. And perhaps she... no, it couldn't be. He
didn't want to entertain any notion that she could miss him too.

The computer's voice sounded stridently again and he dived to his
console. His mother's face filled the screen and without any
preamble he asked quickly:

"Mom, what's wrong with Kathryn?" Then he continued: "She appeared
distressed about something and she - she's not looking well, Mom."

"Have you finished, Tom?" Elizabeth Paris asked placidly.

"She wouldn't tell me anything - "

"She misses you, Tom," his mother interrupted with a kindly smile.
"She needs *you* here, with her."

"Mom?"  But Tom could see now how her words made sense.

"I've been with her some nights Tom, when I could sense she didn't
want to be alone. She doesn't sleep, did you know that?"

"Yes..." he sighed. When they were in the Delta Quadrant, Kathryn
suffered from chronic headaches and chronic...insomnia... Now,
except for the nightmares, she slept well. But the recent weeks she
regressed to sleeplessness again.

"She's worried about you, Tom," Elizabeth said again.

"Mother! Kathryn is Starfleet born and bred. She knows the risks - "

"I'm aware of that, Tom, and so is Kathryn. Haven't you heard a
word I said? She misses you. She needs you here with her even if
she doesn't voice it quite that way," Elizabeth added, smiling.

"She - she can't, Mom... We - we have nothing - "

"That's what you both think," Elizabeth said softly, her eyes
growing tender at the look on her son's face.

"Mom," he said finally, "tell her I'll be home soon, that I miss
her very much..."  He closed his eyes at that admission at last
coming from him. <I care a great deal about her> he thought, but
he didn't tell his mother these words. Instead: "I can't wait to
get home. Tell her that, please..."

His mother had given him an understanding nod, then closed their
communication. Tom went to his room and lay down on his back on
the bed. When did admiration, respect and liking turn to caring?
he thought with some surprise. <Was it when she clutched at me in
the night crying and I felt hopeless to help? Was it when she
refused to give up and held my hand when I thought the world had
come down on me? When? Was it when I lay with my head pressed
against her stomach and felt Rebeccah kicking? I don't want Kathryn
to be hurt. She misses me, I miss her. What a pair we make> He
turned on his stomach and closed his eyes. That night he dreamed
of Kathryn.

*****

If Tom had any premonitions or sense of foreboding, he would have
known that being summoned to the Captain's ready room spelled
something unpleasant. He was on a good footing with all senior
officers and had no reason to fear any reprimand or dressing
down. In fact, after maneuvering Voyager through the Badlands and
back, he was given a commendation by the Captain. His first. Now
he walked rather unsuspectingly to the ready room and pressed the
chime.

"Come."

Tom strode in briskly as the ready room door opened.

"You wanted to see me, Captain?"

"Commander, sit down," Captain Shepard said as Tom stood in
attention before him.

Seating himself Tom stared at the Captain and wondered what this
was all about. He noticed Captain Shepard looking fixedly at the
monitor in front of him before he looked at Tom again with some
concern in his eyes. Tom immediately straightened up more, fully
alert now.

"Is something the matter, Captain?" he asked, feeling his mouth
suddenly go dry, his tongue sticking to his palate. He felt a hand
grip his heart. Kathryn! Something must be wrong, he thought.

"We'll reach orbit in a hour, Commander. I was asked to delay this
message from Starfleet Medical three hours ago until now."

"Captain, my wife?" Tom asked as he rose from his seat and the
Captain motioned him to sit again.

"Your wife has had an accident, Commander."

"No!"

"Please, Commander, be calm. She was apparently jostled in a crowd
yesterday and she fell." The Captain related the barest details to
a Tom Paris who had grown paler by the minute, his eyes getting a
shattered expression again. He felt his breathing coming in gasps.
He dare not ask, but he had to.

"How - how is she, Captain?"

"She is unconscious, Commander. I am sorry this has happened to
Captain Janeway. She is in good hands, I can tell you that,"
the Captain said in a placatory tone. Tom didn't fail to notice
the Captain referring to Kathryn as Captain Janeway. They had
agreed some time ago that professionally she would be Janeway.

It was a dazed Tom who greeted the Captain before he stumbled
out of the ready room. Shepard looked at Tom's retreating figure
and wondered if he should have told Tom the rest of the message.
He sighed. Perhaps Dr Paris was right. It would have distressed
Tom even more to learn that his wife's condition could cause her
to go into labour sooner than expected.

********

Tom stood in the door of the ward for one second before he rushed
in to Kathryn's side.

"Kathryn, oh God..." he whispered hoarsely as he took in her still
form on the high bed. Tom ignored Doc's presence completely and
embraced Kathryn gently, his hand trembling as he caressed her
cheek. There were tears in his eyes and the Doctor could see he
was distraught. He left the Commander, remembering the last day on
Voyager when Tom Paris screamed his grief as his wife B'Elanna
lay dead in his arms. The Doctor understood the younger man's
pain now.

The EMH had done everything he could for the patient whom he knew
would become conscious soon, especially now that Mr Paris was here.
She had been calling for him incessantly...

"Kathryn..." Tom pleaded as he stroked her hair. She felt feverish.
She was lying on her side, her swollen belly heavy with child.
He called her name softly over and over, willing her to wake up.

An interminable time passed as Tom Paris sat next to his wife and
stroked her hand, talking to her. He told her about the baby, all
the presents the crew gave them, his own presents he bought for them.

"I missed you, Kathryn," he murmured softly, over and over.

***

It was in the early hours of the morning when Kathryn stirred. She
turned her head slowly to the head that rested heavily against her
hand.

"Tom...?"

He moved and opened his eyes at the sound of her voice. He trembled
with relief. He leaned over her and kissed her on the forehead, his
lips lingering there a long time. He felt the tears pressing
through his closed eyelids.

"Oh Kathryn..." he murmured brokenly as he looked at her again.

"I - I missed you, Tom," she said weakly before her eyes filled
with tears. "I missed you," she said again, becoming agitated as
she started to cry.

"Shhh...Kathryn, don't cry please. I'm here now, I won't leave
you..." he assured her as he held her shaking body close to his,
her face hidden in his broad chest. Her hand gripped his tightly as
if she would never let him go.

Tom wiped her tears and talked to her in low tones until the
Doctor cleared his throat.

"She needs her medication, Mr Paris. I'm going to administer a
painkiller to clear her headache, then she'll be fine again. I must
tell you, however, your wife is going nowhere, Mr Paris. I've
ordered bed-rest for her," he said with his old acerbic tones which
dared Kathryn Janeway-Paris to challenge him.

"Right Doc. And I'll be right here to see she stays in bed," Tom
agreed.

"Are you two conspiring against a poor defenseless sick woman?"
Kathryn asked, now more relieved that Tom was by her side.
She turned her face to him and smiled. "I'm glad you're back, Tom,"
she said softly. Tom, looking at her with her eyes wide and blue
couldn't resist this time kissing her on the mouth, feeling
unaccountably the blood rushing to his head as their lips touched.
He pulled away quickly and looked a little embarrassed. Kathryn
looked slightly bemused at the way she responded to Tom's kiss
and her eyelids fluttered nervously. She frowned, wondering strange
things.

***

In the early hours of the following Kathryn Paris went into labour.
Naturally she gave her husband hell, railing at him for being
late and being generally irrational when she berated him. He took
it in good stride, as did the Doctor and attending nurse.

Most of the time though, Tom soothed and told her to breathe,
holding her hand all the time. Then he would wipe brow and try not
to show his extreme concern that their baby was being born
prematurely, praying with her that the baby would be alright.

The pains wracked her slender frame. She had not gained more weight
than what the baby weighed, so she still appeared appallingly
fragile. She would go limp after a long contraction that ripped
through her body, causing her to scream out in pain.

When Tom asked the Doctor to relieve her pain, he got a crushing
glare from her. Weak as she was, she grabbed his jacket front and
pulled him closer.

"I want the pain, Tom. I need to feel I am alive and Rebeccah is
alive," she panted as another contraction started. Tom, close to
tears as the contractions followed in quick succession an hour
later, heard the Doctor instruct her to push. Baby was crowning,
he announced to no one in particular.

With one final contraction and a last heave, Kathryn gave a sigh
as Rebeccah came into the world, squalling almost the second her
skin made contact with the impersonal air around her.

"It's a girl!" Doc announced superfluously. He held the infant in
with infinite tenderness and placed the bay on Kathryn's bosom
while a dazed Tom looked at the baby, then at his wife. Kathryn's
hands covered the baby immediately, her tiny face turned towards
Tom.

"Look, Rebeccah, it's your Daddy," Kathryn said tiredly. Then she
looked at Tom and said: "Meet your daughter Rebeccah, Tom."

Tom leaned over and kissed her again on her mouth. When he came up
again he said: "Thank you, Kathryn, for sharing this wonderful
and precious little life with me..."

The Doctor had taken the baby, shooed Tom out of the room and told
him to come back later in the day. By then Kathryn would be back in
the ward with her baby.

Tom took one last look at Kathryn whose eyes started drooping even
as she looked with longing eyes at her baby. Then he left. He had
a hundred and one things to do before he returned to the hospital.
Like collecting his luggage he left at Headquarters; going home to
take a much needed shower and coming back where he wanted to enjoy
holding his wife and baby.

***

When he returned in the early evening Kathryn was awake and his
mother had just left the ward. He carried an enormous bunch of
roses he begged from Boothby and placed them on the bedside.

"Kathryn..."

"Tom..." she said, her eyes shining. "You can hold her..."

Tom walked to the tiny crib next to the bed and lifted Rebeccah
with the utmost care and tenderness into his arms. The baby was
so tiny she appeared to fit into his large hands.

"She's sleeping," he said, then his eyes went wide as Rebeccah
opened her eyes as if she heard him. The baby looked at him with
wide open eyes as if she understood the world around her. Tom
swallowed with difficulty and his eyes filled with tears he didn't
bother to check as they rolled down his cheeks.

Because when Tom Paris looked at Rebeccah Paris, he stared into
the bluest eyes he had ever seen.

*****

Three months later.

Kathryn stirred lazily, becoming aware immediately that all seemed
too quiet in the apartment. She looked at her chronometer and saw
that it was only 0300 hours. Groaning, she fell back against the
pillows. Did she imagine she heard a noise?

Rising slowly, she put on her robe and padded barefoot through to
Rebeccah's room. Her breasts felt no longer so heavy as she was
slowly weaning the baby off breast milk. She grimaced. She hadn't
liked doing it, but in two weeks Kathryn would be taking command of
her new ship, the USS Salamander with its crew complement of 700.
A family ship that carried passengers into the deepest sectors of
the Alpha Quadrant. Rebeccah would have to be bottle-fed while she
sailed with her mother on the Salamander.

She walked into the nursery  -  the door always stood ajar. At a
quarter illumination it was light enough that she could see Tom
sitting in the rocking chair. He was fast asleep with an equally
fast asleep Rebeccah held protectively against his chest.
His large hands covered her tiny body and she could see Rebeccah's
tiny fingers curled tightly around her Daddy's thumb.

Kathryn smiled tenderly. The way these two bonded it was difficult
to believe that Rebeccah was not Tom's daughter. Yet here they
were, so much father and daughter it brought a great lump to her
throat. She watched them for a few precious minutes before she
gently extricated the baby from Tom's arms and placed her carefully
in her crib again. The baby stirred and made a small sound before
becoming quiet, her thumb going into her mouth as soon as she was
comfortable again. Rebeccah had her beautiful golden hair and blue
eyes like Tom predicted, Kathryn thought. Tom was also the first
person who was graced with Rebeccah's first smile.

"Tom..."  She shook him gently and he woke with a start, smiling
sheepishly when he saw her. Her heart lurch as she saw how blue
his eyes were, exactly like Rebeccah's. People would be forgiven
for thinking that Tom was really Rebeccah's father, she thought
idly as she bent down next to him and took his hand.

"She woke up..."

"Really?"

"Really."

They were both pensive for a while as Tom looked at the sleeping
baby in the crib with his heart in his eyes and Kathryn looked at
him with her heart in her eyes.

Tom looked at her again, his hand coming up to brush a stray hair
from her face, his palm resting against her cheek.

"It has been a difficult year, Kathryn," he said hoarsely.

"You were there for me when I needed you, Tom," she said, her
voice breaking into a soft sob.

"I want to be there always, Kathryn..."

"Yes..."

"Rebeccah... she rescued us, you know? She - she is an important
part of me, of my future..."

"And me? What about me, Tom...?" She beseeched softly.

He looked at her with his blue eyes piercing and direct, unafraid.
His hand brought her head closer so that their mouths were almost
touching.

"When you are ready, Kathryn..."

Kathryn leaned in and kissed him gently on his lips. She felt a wave
of pleasure at the touch, felt Tom pressing closer as his hand cupped
her head. He closed his eyes as he gave in to the pleasure of feeling
her lips on his. It was a brief kiss but she broke away reluctantly
though. Her eyes were soft, smouldering with the fleeting passion
she felt at his touch.

"When I'm ready, Tom," she whispered and he thought he saw there
in her eyes a promise.

FIN