Title: Rebeccah, pt1
Author: Veronica Williams
Email: xkhoi@iafrica.com
Size: 27K
Rating: PG
Codes: F; J/P
Summary: Voyager finds a wormhole that would lead them directly
to the Alpha Quadrant. They make it through the wormhole but
must suffer casualties.

REBECCAH

PART ONE

Tom Paris stood facing the Klingon woman. Her eyes bore into him
and he felt a little like dying again. It was like seeing B'Elanna.
Kor'ena Torres was a warrior, her magnificent mane of hair fanned
out over her shoulders; she stood proud and erect.

"So you say Tom Paris, that my daughter died with honour," she
stated. He noticed that Kor'ena's questions sounded like more like
statements. It was her way, he surmised.

He was pale, too pale according to the woman who faced him. He is
suffering, she thought. It is not a dishonour to show grief, yet
she could see that he was trying to suppress his pain.

"Yes..."

"Then I shall honour her memory," she said finally. She took a
step forward and held out her hand to Tom. He gripped it firmly
in his and nodded to her. He found it difficult to speak, but
Kor'ena understood. "I am also glad that she met you and was
happy with you."  He nodded again, feeling ridiculously like
crying.

When Kor'ena spoke again her voice was softer yet tinged with
great strength. It was so easy to see B'Elanna in this woman, Tom
thought with some pain.

"B'Elanna and I, we had many differences. She was angry most
of the time growing up. She - she rebelled against her Klingon
heritage. Everything that would bring honour to being Klingon.
I have not had good memories, Tom. It was not easy for me, nor
for her."

"I understand," Tom answered.

"Therefore I shall remember everything you have told me about
her life she had on Voyager, her pride being Klingon, her honour.
They will be the memories I take with me. I thank you for sharing
that with me."

"I have to go now..." he said lamely, his eyes so bleak that
Kor'ena wondered if he would get over B'Elanna's death.

"Thank you again, Tom, that you came here to speak to me about
her. I can see it was very difficult for you to relate all you
have told be about B'Elanna. Perhaps one day there will
be an opportunity to meet again, under circumstances that will
be much different from today."

Tom looked at Kor'ena and he knew that B'Elanna's death came
as a shock to her too and he understood that she could deal with
it, with her strong sense of discipline and pride. He knew
she would, after he had gone, go to the underground lava caverns
and howl her grief. Commit her daughter to Sto-vo-kor.

Sto-vo-kor.

That was B'Elanna's last word as he held her broken and bleeding
body in his arms in Voyager's sickbay. On the other bed lay
Chakotay with the Captain leaning over him... Seven crew had died
as they came through the wormhole...

He gave Kor'ena a last nod, turned on his heels and departed
for Earth. Home.

Home?

What was there? he thought as he sat in the shuttle and initiated
the start-up sequence. Home meant little now without B'Elanna,
without - he closed his eyes as the pain lanced through him -
the baby they were expecting. Everything he loved, everything
he lived for, in one moment there and the next... gone forever.

It was only a week since they returned. Now that all the fanfare
had died down a little, many were still counting the costs. Family
who had come to Starfleet Headquarters only to learn that their
loved ones had died in Voyager's desperate attempt to come
smoothly through the wormhole. They were Chakotay and B'Elanna -
the only senior officers who died and other crew members, among
them Kenneth Dalby who died trying to save B'Elanna's life in
engineering.

B'Elanna was so clear in his memory he had only to close his
eyes and picture her. Her fierce scowl when he made her angry,
her softness when she wasn't, her love... Her excitement over
the baby... She had the pink teddy bear in her hand when he
found her bleeding to death in engineering, clutching at it
and looking at him with her wide eyes. He screamed as her eyes
slowly closed and she sagged against him. By the time they made
it to sickbay it was too late...

Tom did not feel the scalding tears running down his cheeks
as he made his way to Starfleet Headquarters. He had no idea
what he wanted to do, felt totally rudderless on a open ocean
of grief. They were all given a six month leave of absence,
and could within that period make the necessary decisions
regarding their future. He hadn't seen any of the Voyager crew
in the past week and had no inclination to see them. He
couldn't face their compassion, their pity. They had all known
about the baby B'Elanna was expecting, were all as excited as
he and B'Elanna had been. In only another four months their
son would have been born...

He didn't know that the scream that filled the cabin, the voice
that cried B'Elanna's name was his own...

**

Tom had little idea how he came to touch down at Headquarters.
He had been so deep in thought. Before he knew it he was in
his own apartment, not far from where his parents' were in
San Francisco. His mother had prepared it for he and B'Elanna
as soon as they heard Voyager was returning and with the added
good news that B'Elanna was going to have a baby. Now it stood
empty and cold; without the warmth that would have made it a
home.

He sat down in the deep arm chair in the lounge, his head resting
against the back and with his eyes closed. <Oh, B'Elanna, why
did you leave me?> it throbbed painfully in his heart. He sat like
that a long time before he got up and poured himself a bourbon.
The bottles and glass were the only items that had been on the low
coffee table for the last week. He poured the second as he finished
gulping down the first. Tonight he was going to drink himself
into a stupor again...

He held up the glass in a mock salute and said bitterly:

"To life."

******

Two weeks later.

Tom was lying face down on the couch. It was 0800 and he had been
drinking steadily the previous night. He roused himself groggily as
the chime of the door seemed to ring in his head like sounding
cymbals. He rose unsteadily and padded barefoot to the door. He
hair was mussed and he was badly in need of a shave. His eyes were
bloodshot and his skin red and blotched. He looked a far cry from
the tidy, neat as a pin officer on Voyager, Kathryn Janeway thought
as she looked at him and watched how he tried to focus first before
he recognised her.

"Captain Janeway?" Tom asked as he peered at her and then slowly
pulled himself erect in her presence.

"Hello, Tom. May I come in?"

Only then Tom realised she was still standing outside the door.

"Captain... oh, I'm sorry. Please come in," he offered, cursing
himself now for the state he was in. Kathryn Janeway followed him
into the lounge.

Kathryn noticed the empty bottle on the coffee table, the
overturned glass. He wasn't coping, she thought. He's not the only
one... She noticed his bare feet, his rumpled clothing - he hadn't
been sleeping in a bed in a while. She sat down on a chair opposite
him. He looked a little ashamed; he tried to avert her gaze. The
blotches on his face were not only the result of his sustained
drinking he must have kept up during the night. He was blushing.

"Tom," she said finally, "you look like hell."

He turned when she nailed his state of mind and appearance so
directly. That was when he really looked at her and he saw the
dark smudges under her eyes, her gaunt look and alarming thinness.
A month ago she weighed more, he decided. Even through the dress
she was wearing he could see the jutting collarbones. A picture
flashed in his mind of Kathryn Janeway bending over the body of
Chakotay... He groaned inwardly. Oh God, he thought. How she must
miss him. He blurted the first thing that came to him as he looked
at her.

"You - you don't look too good either, Captain," he said.

There was another uncomfortable silence as she nodded in
affirmation, then looked down at her hands. She frowned heavily.
He saw her frown then wondered for the first time: why was she
here?

"How are you doing, Tom?" she asked.

Tom wondered again if the look in her eyes was just one of
interest: the Captain coming to see how her crew was doing; or did
he imagine there to be a pleading as well? How was he doing? He
wasn't doing at all.

"In the circumstances Captain, not as well as everyone hoped," he
said stiffly, trying to mask his burgeoning grief again.

"I'm sorry, Tom."

"And you, Captain?"

She was quiet a long time and Tom could sense the nervousness in
her.

"Tom," she said suddenly, not answering his question, "tell me
about B'Elanna - "

"There is no B'Elanna, Captain, and before you ask: there is no
baby," he retorted bitingly. He saw her flinch and close her eyes
as if he had struck her.

"Forgive me, Tom. You miss them, I know..."

"No! How could you know, Captain?" he cried sharply as he rose and
came to stand before her. She blanched at his sudden anger, the
eyes that started filling with angry tears. "How could you know?
You weren't married - "

"I was in love, Tom..." she answered softly, her eyes filling with
tears.

Tom cursed himself for the sudden outburst as he saw her distress.

"I'm sorry, Captain..." He sighed. "We all knew about you and
Chakotay, Captain. That you had the bond - the bond that - that - "
He felt a lump in his throat.

"You and B'Elanna had?" she asked. She relaxed a little as he sat
down again.

"Yes," he said. "Yes... like B'Elanna and I had..."

"Your baby - "

"It was going to be a boy," it came out, "a beautiful baby boy who
was going to look - to look like her..."

Tom leaned forward suddenly and covered his face. Kathryn watched
his shoulders shook as he sobbed for a few seconds, brokenly
calling B'Elanna's name. She leaned forward and touched his
shoulder. It was all she could do. She waited like that until he
eventually stopped and collected himself.

"I - I'm sorry. Forgive me, Captain. We - B'Elanna and I, we had
so many dreams, so many plans - "

"I know, Tom."

He looked pensively at her for a few moments, his eyes red from the
tears he shed.

"There's something I want to show you, Captain," Tom said as he
rose slowly, holding his hand out to her to indicate she must
follow him. They left the lounge and then Tom stood in front of
the door of a room. He opened the door and she stepped into the
room.

Kathryn stopped and drew in her breath sharply. It was a baby's
room, a nursery ready furnished with the most beautiful baby
furniture. There was a white crib in one corner. The walls were
adorned with little colourful animals, even Flotter and Treevis.
Above the cot hung a mobile consisting of - she smiled wanly -
little shuttles and starships. There was even a beautiful antique
rocking chair. Everything ready for the arrival of a baby into the
family. Her eyes burned suddenly and she felt a sharp pain in her
chest. She turned and left the room quickly, not wanting Tom to see
how it distressed her too. He followed her to the lounge again.

Tom looked at her as she faced him. He could see how her hands
trembled.

"Is something wrong, Captain?" he asked her.

"You - you were really looking forward to your baby," she whispered
hoarsely. "You loved him already so much...so much..."

"Yes, we did," he answered. "We did... I was looking forward to
being a father..." 

There was a long and uncomfortable silence in which Tom waited
for her to speak again.

"Tom..." it came very softly from her, but she kept his gaze,
"would - would you..."  Tom saw how her hands trembled and her
eyes become a little fevered. He stared fascinated at the way her
throat muscles moved as she tried to speak.

It came out hoarsely: "Would you consider being a father to a baby
girl?"

Tom gulped then dropped his jaw. It was a question that stunned
him, a fact never considered. He looked at her and saw the tension
in every line of her face, the look of fear in her eyes and the
waiting... the terrible waiting... His words:

"Whose baby girl, Captain?"

An eon... holding breath...

"Mine, Tom..." she said quietly, then waited as he stared at her
in shocked comprehension. He saw how her face paled even more, the
thin white line to her lips and the hands that couldn't seem to
stop trembling. "Mine," she repeated as she gave in at last and
closed her eyes. He caught her just as she collapsed.

****

The sun streamed into the room. Kathryn Janeway opened her eyes,
blinking as the light blinded her. For a few seconds she lay
like that, a little disoriented. She turned her face away from the
light and saw Tom sitting beside her on the bed. She frowned, then
looked away again quickly, not wanting him to see her like this.
Not wanting his pity. She knew it was a mad thing to do, an insane
idea.

But last night...last night at the hospital when Voyager's EMH
examined her... She closed her eyes and felt the tears coming
again. She saw the Doctor's compassion and the pity he couldn't
hide from his holographic face. His understanding and then his
acerbic admonishments was just too much as she rose from the bed,
left the hospital and walked. She walked most of the night, her
mind in turmoil. A baby, she thought. A baby Chakotay would never
see, a baby who would grow up without a father, who would never
know a man like Chakotay. She had no more tears left as she entered
her small apartment in the early hours of the morning, still in a
daze.

"Captain." Tom's voice broke into her thoughts.

"I - I'm sorry, Tom. I should never have c - "

"You need to eat something, Captain." She groaned and turned away
from him, but he caught his finger under her chin and made her look
at him. It was only then she noticed the hypospray and medical
tricorder.

"How - how long - "

"You been asleep for three hours, Captain," he said softly.

He saw the shame on her face, the tears that sat in her eyes. He
pulled her gently up and led her into an alcove in the kitchen.
It was warm and she noticed the food on the table. She groaned
again as he made her sit down.

"Eat, Captain. I'm not leaving here until you've at least got some
fluid intake and - " he held up the bread - "some dry toast."

But Kathryn Janeway sat there, her hands in her lap. Tom looked
a little more presentable than when she saw him earlier, his eyes
no longer so bloodshot. There was a determined set to his jaw. At
length she picked up the bread and started eating. She realised
she hadn't eaten since the previous afternoon and felt the hunger
pangs. Tom was satisfied when he saw her eat.

"Tom... I'll leave now," she said when she finished. He had been
fixing himself something and he turned to look at her.

"Then what, Captain?"

"Nothing, Tom. I shouldn't have bothered you, that's all," she said
softly as she rose from her chair. He held her arms and made her
sit down again. He looked at her pensively, as if he were weighing
something in his mind.

"A baby girl..." he said softly in a contemplative tone and Kathryn
watched the pain flash in his eyes. Her own eyes closed and she
wished for the hundredth time since Doc told her yesterday, that
this wasn't happening to her. But it did, and she couldn't change
it. She didn't want to change it, the idea of termination abhorrent
to her.

"Please... I have to go..."

"A baby girl, with soft golden hair like her mother, clear blue
eyes and her mother's strength and iron will..."

"Tom..."

He touched the Captain's cheek with infinite gentleness, saw how
her eyes closed again, the tears seeping through unchecked.

"...who needs a Daddy..." he whispered hoarsely.

She rose again, but he pressed her down gently.

"You need to be married," he said kindly, in a soft voice. He
watched her nod. It didn't need any explanation. Even in this
enlightened age there were certain dictates, he thought with mild
disgust. But that would not be... He shook his head mentally then
spoke again.

"On one condition, Captain Kathryn Janeway."

She looked at him, wondering whether he would... she shrank from
that idea the minute it entered her head. Chakotay... she could
still feel his body so close to hers, inhale his smell, everything
about him. <Dear God, she thought. I am bartering again. For my
baby to have a father. For another man to lie next to me...> She
got up then and rushed past him to the front door, but he caught up
with her and held her arms.

"I get to name our baby."

Tom watched Kathryn Janeway's expression change from shock to
understanding to... an immense relief. For a long time she stood
looking at him. An idea struck him suddenly and he led her back
inside and made her sit next to him on the couch. He held her hands
in his and looked into her eyes. His heart bled for a wild moment
at the images that flashed through his mind and the breathlessness
at the thought that there would be a baby after all.

"Kathryn, will you marry me, and let me be the father of our baby?"

He brought her hands to his chest with his own covering hers.
She nodded first, then said very softly "yes" and pressed her face
against his hands, expelling a soft sigh as she did so.

His hand came out and he cupped her head gently in a consoling
gesture. She didn't cry, just sat quietly but he could feel the
shudders go the through her slender frame. So many things went
through his mind. It was madness, impulsive. He was marrying his
Captain, his senior in rank and age. There was no doubt that he
admired her, liked her more than any other woman. But after
B'Elanna... his emotions were still so raw, exposed. He was
vulnerable and he couldn't accept that B'Elanna was gone from his
life forever, that the baby they were going to have was lost to
him forever. He had nothing left. No wife, no baby, no future.
It was all he lived for. It was what gave his life meaning and
direction.

Now he was about to do an insane thing. He was going to help his
Captain in a pinch. He was going to save her from some social
embarrassment; he was going to be the father of another man's child.
He berated himself for the unkind trend his thoughts were taking.
No, that was not why he wanted to do it. It was the thought of
a little girl with bright blue eyes and golden hair who looked
like Kathryn that won him. A baby girl who unknowingly, long before
her birth has already turned him, Tom Paris, round her little
finger.

He held Kathryn - when did she become Kathryn? he wondered with
mild surprise - away from him, letting her relax against the
backrest of the couch. She looked at him, a question in her eyes.
He leaned over and placed his hand with infinite tenderness
against her stomach and held it there.

"I love her already, Kathryn," he murmured softly.

Her hand came out to cover his where it rested on her belly. Her
eyes closed. <Oh dear God, Chakotay, another man loves your
daughter already. Without condition. Be happy for me, my love.
I miss you so much I can't sleep anymore. I miss you so much, my
very breath needs you. But please, oh please forgive me... forgive
me...>

Tom watched the play of emotions in Kathryn's face and knew she was
thinking of Chakotay. He sighed. They were both shattered by their
loss, they were both mourning still so intensely. Yet deep inside
he sensed that they were doing the right thing. His instinct that
told him they could help each other in their grief, share their pain
and loneliness. It was a difficult road they were embarking on but
he knew that whatever there would or would not be between him and
Kathryn, they would not allow it to stop them from giving their
baby all their love.

For now the friendship and solace they could give one another
would be solid enough as a foundation. Kathryn, he knew, would be
totally committed as he would be, to give their daughter the
benefit of parents who would love her completely. He felt a surge
of excitement at the thought, happy that the nursery his mother
had prepared so lovingly for his and B'Elanna's child, would now
belong to his and Kathryn's baby.

******

By the next day Tom arranged for  Kathryn's things to be moved
to his apartment. He had taken her home and seen to it that she ate
again and ran some scans for good measure. Then he made her get
into bed and stayed until she fell asleep. He left her a message
before he went home again and contacted his father.

Now Kathryn Janeway stood in her lounge and watched Tom take
charge. If truth be told, she had been too tired to offer any
opposition as he started packing her things. He allowed her to do
very little herself. He made her lie on her couch, got her feet up
and put a pillow under her head.

"Stay," he said with a note of warning. He had already seen her
eyes drooping and wondered whether she had been awake the whole
night again. But he knew from B'Elanna's experience that even this
early in her pregnancy, Kathryn was tired.

It wasn't long before he saw that Kathryn was fast asleep. His
mouth curved in a tender smile as he noticed that Kathryn had
acquiesced without much demurring. She had to be very tired and
the night before she came to him she must have been fraught with
extreme worry. That and dealing with Chakotay's death. Now he
calmly went about his tasks and had already effected a site to site
transport before he went to look in on her. 

He shook her gently and she woke with a start, surprised that she
fell asleep again. She sat up and ran her fingers through her hair.

"Ready?" he asked quietly.

She just shook her head. But he was glad there was some colour back
in her face again. He was also glad to see the look of despair and
fear he had witnessed the previous morning now gone.

They left in a hovercar and within minutes Kathryn Janeway, soon
to be the wife of Tom Paris, was ensconced in the larger of the two
bedrooms of his apartment. She was feeling a little dazed as she
looked around her. Everything was moving so quickly, she hardly
took in one thing then had to absorb another.

It was late afternoon and Tom knocked on her door before he
entered.

"Tom," she said as she stood up from the bed and held her hand
to him. "Thank you."

"Thank *you*, Kathryn," he said. "For Rebeccah," he added softly.

"Rebeccah?" she asked, looking quizzically at him before
understanding dawned.

"I told you I get to name our daughter," he said, touching her
cheek.

He was gratified to see her smile for the first time since she
knocked on his door yeserday morning.

"Rebeccah it is, Tom." She smiled again. He smiled in return then
said:

"I'll leave you for a while, Kathryn. I have an appointment at 1700
with my father," he said. He touched her cheek and before she could
thank him again, he was gone.

She sighed. Then she opened her dresser drawer and took out the
silver object she had put in the corner under her underwear. The
silver fob watch and chain Chakotay had given her lay on her palm.
Her fingers caressed the face of the watch.

"It's May 20th Kathryn. Have you forgotten?" Chakotay's words
sounded in her heart.

"It's beautiful, Chakotay," she had answered him, kissing him
deeply for such thoughtfulness. She had forgotten it was her
birthday.

"Happy birthday, my love," he whispered before he kissed her again.

Kathryn Janeway's heart became heavy again in those moments as she
held the watch to her breast and cried hopelessly for Chakotay.
When the tears stopped at last she placed the watch again in the
corner. She left the room, her feet carrying her to the nursery.

She opened the door and went inside. She walked slowly to the crib
and looked at the mobile again. The shuttles Cochrane and 
Sacajeweya, the Enterprise A, the Enterprise D, the Melbourne,
the Phoenix - all moving gently as she touched it. She smiled and
thought that here would probably be one thing that would be a
source of disagreement between her and Tom about their daughter's
future.

She sat down in the rocking chair and thought about the baby for
the first time with anticipation. A baby that Tom said would look
like her. Her cheeks glowed as the thought came to her. A baby
who would call her Mommy; who would call Tom Daddy. Who would take
her first tottering steps towards her Daddy whose arms would be
held open to catch her when she fell. Kathryn smiled dreamily.

That is the picture of Kathryn Janeway Tom would remember for a
very long time. Seeing her sitting in the rocking chair asleep
with a smile on her face.

***

A week later, in a discreet ceremony in the office of Admiral Owen
McKenzie Paris, that gentleman joined his son Thomas Eugene Paris
and his protege Kathryn Janeway in marriage.

All circumstances considered, Admiral Paris and his wife Elizabeth,
and Kathryn's mother Gretchen had given their blessing on this union.
For Tom's parents could see how the coming baby already gave him
new purpose; they witnessed his protectiveness over his wife and
smiled. They knew it would not be long before Tom would love
their new daughter-in-law. About one thing they were ecstatic:
they were getting a granddaughter.

******

END PART ONE