Title: The Long Night
Author: Arachnia
Email: Arachnia47@aol.com
Size: 17K
Rating: G
Codes: A, F; J, N
Summary: An episode coda to 'Night' in which Janeway does the comiseration thing with
our favourite resident Talaxian.

Disclaimer: Paramount owns Star Trek and its characters, but words are free and I can 
put them in any order I want to.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Captain's personal log, supplemental: We are still within this empty expanse of space
everyone has started calling 'The Void.' At first, it was like a vacation, but now... Now
I find myself feeling like I'm dead inside. Not only is there nothing to do... I feel in
a way that I was robbed of my identity. But that's my fault, not theirs. Not their fault
I define myself too much by what I do and by how I work. I think a part of it is the fact 
that the only place in this universe where I feel whole is on the bridge of my ship. It's
the only place where I feel alive. But right now... Right now, there's nothing for me to
do there, and I'm making the crew jumpy. I have too much time...too much time to think."

"Computer, delete last entry." Kathryn Janeway stared out the viewport. Stared at the
emptiness. She felt like she'd been staring out there for days. But it suited her to stare
into the endless night--the emptiness mirrored how she felt inside. She felt numb, like
every feeling had been wiped from her. She wondered if this was what being dead felt like.

She closed her eyes and sighed. She tried, she really did try, to get such morbid thoughts
out of her mind. But every time she tried to think of something else, her mind would drift
to one or more of the decisions she'd made in the Delta Quadrant, decisions about which she
now had second--or third, or fourth--thoughts. 

=======================

Images of darkness swirled silently during night's dream visions. They were comforting at
first, like a soft, silky caress from the starry skies. Then the darkness thickened to
heavy black satin. It thickened further as it settled over his mind's eye. Then it was
oppressive...and smothering.... Then he felt like he couldn't see or breathe.

Neelix sat bolt upright in bed, screaming.

"Computer, lights! Ah, half illumination," he stammered. He sat, shaking with fear. He
shook his head, trying to dislodge the remaining images from his head. He staggered to the
replicator. "Water, cold." He gulped the cool water, waiting for his heart rate to slow to
normal.

"Get a hold of yourself," he muttered to himself. "This is no way for a morale officer to
behave." The entire crew was affected, to varying degrees, by their passage through "the
Void." But Neelix felt it was his duty to present an optimistic outlook, to set a good
example to the rest of the crew.

He still felt far from optimistic, but his nightmare had faded. Still, he didn't feel much
like trying to get back to sleep. He checked the time; it was oh-three-thirty. He might as
well start preparing breakfast. Cooking always made him feel better.

=======================

Kathryn glanced at her chronometer. Oh-four-hundred already. She had been staring out the
viewport for hours, thinking. She was tired of her quarters. It was time for a walk. She
thought briefly about going to the holodeck, but she just wasn't in the mood. Instead, she
headed for the mess hall. She expected it to be empty at this time. She still didn't want
company; she just wanted a change of scenery.

"Good morning, Captain!" Neelix came out to greet her. "What can I do for you?"

Kathryn sighed. She really didn't want to talk to anyone. But being rude to Neelix wasn't
in her day's agenda. Somehow, no matter how annoyed with him she got, she could appreciate
his charm and enthusiasm. He was sweet, gentle---and tough as nails. She admired his
ability to survive adversity without being bitter. Right now, in fact, she envied that
ability. 

"Just coffee, Neelix. Thanks." She took the mug and walked to her usual table. She turned
to look out the viewport. It was still a vast expanse of nothingness, but she couldn't help
looking. Several minutes passed. She sipped her coffee as she stared into space.

Neelix watched her from behind the counter. His heart ached to see her standing there,
alone. He wished he better understood her need for solitude. He thought he understood a
little---after all, before joining the crew of <I>Voyager</I>, he had been by himself for
years. After losing his family, he couldn't bring himself to care about anyone---until he
met Kes, anyway. And now Kes was gone, too. But even though he missed her terribly, he
never felt alone. How could he? He had the whole crew as his family now. He embraced that
sense of family, too, and he thrived on the contact he had with everyone. It was one of the
reasons he loved working in the mess hall. Everyone had to eat, after all. Even the
occasional teasing about his cooking made him feel like he was one of the family, like he
belonged.

Captain Janeway, on the other hand, kept herself separate. Oh, she cared deeply about her
crew---he knew that. Everyone knew that, in fact. On too many occasions she risked
everything for her crew for anyone to doubt just how much she cared. But aside from the
major celebrations, she really didn't socialize much. At first she did; she spent time in
Sandrine's, playing pool and talking with people. But as time went on, she spent less and
less time on the holodecks with the others. He wished he knew why.

=======================

Kathryn sipped her coffee as she looked out the viewport. Her thoughts meandered, touching
random memories and then moving on. Most of those memories were of crew members who had
been lost. Hogan. Jettal. Nicoletti. So many others. Some she knew well, and others she
didn't, but she felt each loss deeply. Most of all she felt the responsibility for each
loss. In every case, a decision that she had made led to the loss of a life. They were
still out here in the Delta Quadrant because of her decision to destroy the Array, the
object that had yanked them out here in the first place---and the one thing that could
have returned them home. 

Getting her crew home had been her goal all along. It was different now, though. Right now
it was an obsession. She would do anything to get her people home. She looked at the
endless blackness and sighed. That's why they were in this godforsaken black pit of hell,
too. It was the shortest way home.

Home. For herself, she didn't really care any more about getting to the Alpha Quadrant.
Her home was <I>Voyager</I>. After all, her mother and sister had their lives and each
other, and Mark hadn't bothered to wait for her. Kathryn had always been a loner anyway.
Her passion for science and her all-consuming drive to excel had made it difficult for her
to make and keep friends. She would lose patience with them, and after a while they stopped
making the effort to include her. She therefore spent most of her time by herself and
learned from an early age to prefer things that way.

On <I>Voyager</I>, at least at first, she tried to be more social. She spent time
socializing with the crew. She'd play pool in Sandrine's or visit Neelix's resort program.
But it always felt awkward. She had worked too hard developing the armor of command. It
was too difficult to figure out when to relax and when not to. So she stopped spending her
spare time in Sandrine's. She put in an appearance at major shipboard functions because of
protocol and because it was important for the sake of morale. But she always left early so
the rest of the crew could relax without the captain around.

For a moment she was brutally honest with herself. It wasn't that she had stopped caring.
The truth was that she cared too much. What was the old saying? "It's lonely at the top."
Yes, that was it. The more she got to know her crew, the harder it was to do her job. That
job had been too important to her for too long for her to do any less than her best. She
therefore spent less time developing relationships with her crew and instead poured her
energy into finding the fastest route home, no matter what. If that meant she was "lonely
at the top," so be it. Better that than to fail in her mission. Failure was *not* an
option. She would get her crew home or she would die trying.

Her coffee mug was empty. Neelix saw her turn, looking for a refill, and brought the
coffeepot to her. 

"Thank you, Neelix."

"Sure thing, Captain." He filled her mug. "I haven't seen you down here in quite a while.
I was starting to wonder if you'd given up coffee." He knew it was a lame joke, but it was
worth it to see the corners of her mouth twitch, even slightly. 

"Give up coffee, Neelix? Never," she said.

He laughed nervously. "Well, it's so quiet these days, there's no reason to stay up late
working." 

"You are right about that," she said as she turned back to the empty view at the window.
"But old habits die hard."

"Captain?" His voice behind her was gentle. "How are you handling this? The boredom, I
mean," he added quickly.

She was silent for a moment. When she answered, her voice was so soft he could hardly hear
her. "Not well." 

"You are not alone in that regard. I hear a lot of people are having trouble."

"But they're not the captain. I am. And, in that, I am alone."

*Only as alone as you want to be, Captain,* he thought. He wished he dared to speak the
words aloud. But he didn't know what to say. Over the years, he had come to care a great
deal about all of Voyager's crew. But Captain Janeway was more than that to him. At
first he considered her wreckless for getting into dangerous situations, but in time he'd
come to respect her courage and tenacity. He admired her fearlessness and her strength.
Most of all, though, he loved her kindness. She was tough as nails, but she was also one
of the most sincere and genuine people he'd ever known. 

Finally he spoke. "When times are difficult, though, it's not good to be alone so much."

"I've been alone for a long time, Neelix. I'm used to it. In fact, I think I prefer it.
It's less complicated that way. As for the current situation---times are not difficult,
Neelix. In fact, nothing is happening at all. I just can't deal with it. And this crew
needs a captain who can. Right now Chakotay is handling things better than I can."

"The Commander is an excellent leader. But he's not the captain, and he's not you."

"No, he's not me. At this time, that alone makes him better qualified to command the ship."

Neelix was shocked, though he worked hard not to show it. It was more serious than he'd
suspected. He knew from his own experience that duty was frequently the strongest
motivation out of despair. But if she wasn't even acknowledging her responsibilities...

He tried again. "Captain, why don't we move away from the window now? There is nothing out
there to see and, frankly, it's making me a trifle uneasy seeing all that empty space."

"I like it here, Neelix. I am the one who got us out here, and it serves me right to keep
reminding myself of that."

Neelix was frustrated. She'd opened up to him, at least a little, but she wasn't listening
to him. He had no idea what to do, but apparently the gentle approach wasn't going to
work. He somehow knew that her moping attitude was the worst thing in the world for her.
He had to make her react, one way or another. He took a deep breath. Well, he had never
been shy about speaking up to her before, so he decided to speak up now.

"With all due respect, Captain, I need to say something. Yes, I know it's hard. I wake up
in the middle of the night huddling and quivering ike a bowl of Denarian swamp jelly. But
it's time to be a grownup and move on. As tempting as it is to crawl in a corner and curl
up and die, you don't have the luxury of doing that. You are the captain of this ship, and
this crew needs you." He paused for breath. Then his voice softened. "I need you."

He continued. "I have never known you to run away from hardship, and I don't understand
why you're doing it now."

She turned to him, her face hard. "I'm tired, Neelix. Tired of always being tough and
always being strong. Let someone else be in charge for a change." Her voice was getting
louder. She was being defensive, and she knew it. She made an effort to calm down.
"Sometimes...sometimes it just is too damn hard. It's easier simply to hide.

His voice was gentle. "Does it help?"

She sighed. "No, not really."

"Captain, shutting off your feelings is not going to help you. In time, if you continue
this way, you will be unable to do your job because you won't care any more about getting
home." 

She stared at him. She didn't want to admit it, but his words struck a nerve. How dare he
imply that she couldn't do her job! 

He watched her face. Her eyes had that steely look they got when she was angry or
determined. Her chin was rigid. He wondered if he'd gone too far. But he couldn't back
down now.

"Captain, tell me---do you still want to get home?"

"Of course I do. What the hell kind of stupid question is that?"

His mind was racing. He'd certainly gotten a reaction out of her. She was mad as hell at
him. Now what was he going to do? Might as well go for broke.

"Prove it."

"What?" She didn't know whether to throw him in the brig for insubordination or to send
him to the Doctor for a checkup. This just wasn't making any sense.

"Prove it," he repeated. "Prove that you really want to get back home. And not just for
the sake of the crew, either. Prove to me right now that you want to get back home for
your own sake."

She stared at him, still in shock. He stood his ground though, meeting her eyes. She still
wasn't quite sure what to make of his unusual behavior. But something inside her compelled
her to be honest with him. Her voice was barely above a whisper and she was looking down
at the floor when she answered him. "I'm not sure I can." 

It was almost more than he could bear, seeing her so small and vulnerable. He went to her
then and touched her shoulder. "Captain, you are the most courageous person I know. You
can do this. Come with me to the holodeck and show me your home."

She looked up at his face, her eyes bright with unshed tears. "Neelix, just what do you
hope to accomplish with this little game?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest. But it somehow feels important to do this. To share something
of yourself. So you won't feel so alone." He paused for a moment. "Captain, I've lost my
home forever. But I look forward to making a new home in the Alpha Quadrant. Please. Show
me?"

She let him lead her out of the Mess Hall and down the corridor to the holodeck. She
punched in the code for a program she hadn't visited for months. When the doors whooshed
open, she and Neelix walked into a hot summer day in an Indiana cornfield. 

The warm breeze rippled the fields in golden waves. "This is it," she whispered. "This is
home." Her voice caught on the last word. Neelix turned to look at her. She was staring at
the fields, tears streaming down her face. Silently he moved closer to her. He awkwardly
put an arm around her shoulders and held her as she cried.

*FIN*