Title: Farmer's Apprentice
Author: Robin Lawrie
Email: robinl@s054.aone.net.au
Size: 15K
Rating: PG
Category: F, H; slight P/K
Teaser: Neelix gets hold of a Cargo Bay full of hay, and Captain Janeway wants a solution - *any* solution. Now.



'But Captain, it's very high in fibre..'

'So it should be, Neelix. It's grass.'

'Ah, but what a harvest!'

Janeway contemplated the enormous bales of greeny brown vegetation nearly filling her ships cargo bay. This is what happens when you leave a man in charge of the grocery shopping. Already her sinuses had begun to ache.

'Couldn't you find anything else to eat down there?'

'Just wait till you try my "lawn linguini". Or perhaps the "oats omelette flambe"?'

Janeway silenced the Talaxian with a look. 'Mr Paris!'

'Yes, Captain?' Tom emerged from behind a bale, his uniform dusty and stained, a piece of straw sticking out of his hair.

'Mr Paris. Find a use for this... grass. I'd prefer not to space it. We are so low on food at present, we may have to resort to Neelix's linguini, but if you can come up with a better idea..'

'Yes?' asked Tom hopefully.

'That would make me happy. Hmm?'

'Aye Captain.' Tom's shoulders drooped. Making the Captain happy. Some incentive. How about a day off, or doubling his replicator rations or... hey! Now that's a thought....

****************

'I don't know if this will work, Tom.'

'Sure it will. This used to be a science vessel. The pattern should still be in there somewhere. They must have had lab animals for all their scientific experiments.'

'Rats and mice maybe, but.. ?'

'Keep looking.'

Tom and Harry were crouched over a console in Tom's quarters scanning through the transporter pattern buffer logs. A complete history of all organic life forms transported scrolled up the screen. They searched back further and further.

'Here we go. One cat, name of Spot, property of Commander Data. Crikey Tom, that's the Enterprise!'

'Yeah, they must have helped in the rescue mission after it crashed.' Tom shook his head. ' I can't believe the ships counsellor *landed* that ship!  What else?'

'Tribbles?'

'Nup.'

'Gagh?'

'No! And don't tell Neelix.'

'Gerbil?'

'....mmmm..no, no never mind.'

Harry glanced over at Tom, and frowned.  What the hell was a gerbil anyway?

'Here's something. Voyager helped relocate some colonists from a geologically unstable planet. Families, farm tools, livestock..'

'Hold it! Back up! There it is! Bingo!'

'A rotary hoe?'

'No knucklehead, "Bossey!"'

'Your kidding, Tom. Bossey is...'

*************

'....a cow?'

'Yeah, you know, four legs, tail, moos a lot. Come on B'Elanna, be a sport. It won't take too much power, honest it won't.'  Tom, Harry and B'Elanna were gathered in the transporter room fiddling about with the power relays and pattern buffers. Tom had convinced B'Elanna to attempt to use the transporter as one big replicator. The technology was similar, well kind of, at a stretch. Hell, it was worth trying. I mean, what could happen?

'I think that should do it. Fire it up and let's see what pops out.' Harry's muffled comments came from under the console, the only part of him visible a well rounded bottom and a pair of Starfleet boots. Tom smiled.

'OK. Power on...Energising..'

A loud humming noise commenced and grew louder. The usual sparkling transporter field formed then faded.

'More, dammit! B'Elanna, do something!'

'Bloody hell...' The Chief Engineer peered under the console, then stepped back and gave a hearty kick to a length of plasma conduit. Sparks flew, but the field stabilised, then cleared to reveal...a large black and white four legged critter. It swished its tail. It mooed.

'Bossey?'

'Mooooooo!'

****************

'Well you know what they say, Tom. In one end and out the other.' Harry chuckled as his friend shovelled the brown odourous muck into a wheelbarrow. Bossey stood placidly amid the strewn hay of the cargo hold, chewing cud and drooling contentedly.

'Yeah, yeah..very funny.' Tom reached around to rub his aching back and inspected his sore hands. 'Look! Calluses!'

'Poor baby. Lucky I like a bit of rough trade. Ow!' Harry dodged a clump of something smelly.  Tom tapped his communicator.

'Paris to Kes. Can you come to the cargo bay? I've got something here that'll really make your garden grow.' Tom grinned. 'My grandfather used to swear by cow manure for his garden. Pass over that bucket and milking stool. I'll give you your first lesson.'

Tom tied Bossey's halter to a nearby bulkhead and set the bucket under her.  Harry sat gingerly on the low stool and Tom knelt beside him. 'Now reach under and grab a teat in each hand. Steady on Harry! Treat the lady with respect!' Bossey mooed and shuffled around as Harry held on grimly.

'..now squeeze, slowly but firmly and pull downwards..'

'Nothing's happening. Are you sure this works? I mean, this is a *female* cow, isn't it?'

'Shut up and try again. Like this..'

Tom reached around Harry and grabbed some teats. With practised hands Tom was soon sending white squirts of milk splashing into the bucket. 'See? Easy. Now you.'

Harry persisted and gave a squeal of surprise as his efforts paid off. He began to relax and get into the rhythm of milking, leaning his head into Bossey's warm, patient side. His mind wandered and daydreamed, lulled by the stroking and pulling action and the sound of the milk hitting the bucket.

'Feels good, doesn't it? That's quite a boner you got there. Don't worry, that happens all the time.' Tom grinned at Harry's red face. 'I'll let you finish then we'll do something about it. Care for a roll in the hay?'

*************

'Just drink it, Neelix. You'll love it.'

Neelix sniffed the white fluid suspiciously, and swirled it around his glass. 'Just where did this come from again?'

'Freshly squeezed by hand from the mammary glands of a large quadrupedal herbivore, served chilled.'

Neelix brightened. 'That sounds good!' He sipped cautiously. 'A bit bland, but I sense possibilities. Does it ferment well?'

Tom put an arm around Neelix' shoulders. 'Maaaate! Let me tell you about yoghurt...'

*************

Janeway sighed contentedly and relaxed back on her lounge. Tom Paris had reaffirmed her faith in his entrepreneurial abilities. She sipped at her creamy foam topped cappuccino and wondered if Starfleet would approve of her promoting a Lieutenant on the basis of his coffee making prowess. Probably not. Well done, that man.

*****************

Tuvok slipped into the darkened cargo bay. The air was heavy with the smell of sweaty bovine and a faint tinge of methane. His feet rustled the dwindling supply of hay as he approached Bossey's stall.

The cow stirred and flicked her tail as she turned to face the man. Gentle but dull eyes blinked myopicly as she began to chew another mouthful of cud. Tuvok leaned on the rail and reached out a hand to stroke her flank, sending a shivering twitch across Bossey's side. The warm, solid feel and coarse hair tickled his palm. In the privacy of the darkened room, Tuvok smiled.

'Nice cow.'

So serene, so calm, so...stupid! Tuvok was fascinated by the apparent lack of any survival mechanism, any inkling of intelligence, yet this beast had served man for thousands of years. He had to learn more, find out just what it was that kept this breed going, if there was a spark of intellect hiding behind that broad brow. The idea that formed in his mind appalled him at first then became so intriguing that he had to follow through.

'Steady on, Bossey. This won't hurt a bit...'

Tuvok moved around in front of the cow and place two hands on either side of her head, just above her large brown eyes.

'My mind to your mind, your thoughts to my thoughts....'

******************

Unseen, beneath the console in the transporter room, a plasma conduit sparked and steamed. The empty room glowed as the transporter field energised again...and again.

*****************

'Kim to Torres. I'm detecting a power drain originating in the transporter room. Are you doing anything there?'

'No Harry, it's not me. I'll meet you there. Let's check it out.'

The two crewmates met at the door to the transporter room. A thin wisp of smoke curled under the door .

'Trouble?'

'Looks like. Torres to Engineering. Cut off all power to the transporters. We've got a major malfunction here. Ok Harry, in we go.'

The door swooshed open. The room was full of smoke.

And cows.

*******************

'..but Captain, we need more grass! We have to stop and resupply.'

Mr Paris pleaded his case, but Janeway was unmoved. One cow was fine, but thirteen? That's a herd. No. It was bar-b-que time.

'I'm sorry, Mr Paris. Liase with Neelix and set up the holodeck. I think a Hawaiian theme would be nice. Hibiscus, hot coals, and Maitai's, hmm?'

Tom's lip quivered, but before he could protest further, the communicator beeped. Chakotay.

'Captain, you better get in here quickly. Mr Kim has a Kazon warship targeted off the port side, and closing fast.'

'Shields up. On my way.'

Janeway strode into a tense but steady bridge. Tom took his place at the conn and checked his console.

'Status, Mr Tuvok.'

'One ship, shields up, and weapons charged. A different configuration than we've seen before. Smaller, more manoeuvrable, and lighter. Weapons could be a problem, though.'

'Mr Kim?'

'My sensors show a huge build up of power directed to their forward phasers. Captain they could really rattle our teeth.' Harry looked worried.

'Steady, Ensign. Try to hail them.'

'No answer...trying again...'

'Captain, they're firing!'

'Hang on!'

The bridge rocked as the ship took the full force of the blast.

'Damage report!'

'Shields down to 20%. We can't take another blast like that, without copping some real damage.'

'Evasive manoeuvres, Mr Paris. Mr Tuvok, return fire.'

'Aye Captain. Firing..missed. They're too fast.'

'Then get us out of here, Mr Paris, warp six, enga...'

'Too late!'

The whole ship boomed as another blast struck. Panels shorted out, and smoke streamed in through the air vents. Chakotay picked himself up first and assisted the Captain.

'Are you OK?'

'Never mind me, dammit. What about the ship?'

Harry brushed hair out of his streaming eyes and peered through the smoky haze. 'Shields are down and we've got a large hull breach..Containment field in place but we're going to lose it real soon... Captain, it's the cargo bay!'

'Seal that area off, Ensign, and redirect all power to warp drive..'

'Warp drive off line, Captain,' B'Elanna informed the bridge.

'Of course it is, we're in a space battle. Christ!' Janeway's glance nailed Paris. 'Get us out of this one, Tom. Evasive manoeuvres under impulse.'

'Containment field just failed, Captain. Cargo bay has decompressed.'

'Bugger...' Paris whispered through gritted teeth as Voyager fought for her life, the Kazon vessel sticking like glue. Janeway took a steadying breath and pounded the back of Toms chair. She reached over and tapped in some co-ordinates.

'Captain?'

'Execute the turn on my mark....'

'But Captain, that's heading back down their throats..'

'..and..Engage!'

The ship swooped upwards and around with the Kazon ship mirroring their actions.

'I'm reading a debris field in our wake... it's organic!'

'Bossey!'

Janeway smiled coldly. Damn right. Eat beef, Kazon! The Kazon vessel ploughed straight into thirteen 1200 pound prime milkers, shattering their main deflector dish and prime sensor array, effectively blinding them. Bastards! There goes my cafe latte...

***************

'What'ya thinking Harry?'

'Oh nothing much. Well.. I think I miss Bossey and the others. She was a really nice cow.'  The two friends were helping to clear up the mess in the cargo bay and make repairs. Most of the hay and animal refuse had been sucked out during the decompression, but traces remained, along with a lingering barnyard smell.

'Yes, you always remember your first time..milking her, OK?' Tom laughed at the dirty look Harry threw him. ' What do you take me for, some kind of farmyard fetishist?'

'Busy, gentlemen?' Tuvok had silently appeared behind them and had heard their conversation.

'Sorry, sir. Just thinking about Bossey. Do you think she suffered?'

Tuvok paused and remembered that night of the mind meld. It was the most calming, reflective mind meld he had ever experienced. Bossey's mind was totally empty. It was like swimming in a clear clean pool, refreshing and soothing.

'No, Ensign. Bossey died as she had lived. In peace.'

'Well she saved our arses. That cow deserves a medal.'

************

Janeway pushed her plate away and stretched lazily. It had taken a bit of subterfuge but it turned out to be worth it. During the escape, no one had noticed her turning a tractor beam on and retrieving some debris... organic debris.  Yep, Bossey deserved a medal. Best damn steak in the Delta quadrant.

************